Just falling from my head...

I just got this phone call from a number I did not recognize. I cautiously answer the phone "Hello?" A man with a rather stoned sounding voice answers back "Is Silver there?" I say "Excuse me?" He says "Um yeah?" I ask "Whom are you looking for?" the man replies "Oh yeah, Silver. Is Silver there?" I tell him "I belive you have the wrong number unless you are calling for my cat." He pauses for a second "Um ok, I guess I have the wrong number." then hangs up.

Robin hands me the bag of pretzels we are all sharing. He tells me "Your going to have to feed me one at a time." I ask him to put out his hand so I can just give him some and he yells "No!!! I can't!! I touched the cats butt with this hand!" While cracking up, I suggest that he go wash his hands. The look on his face was like watching a light bulb go off over his head. You've got to love little moments of honesty like these.

Today we have the fortune of seeing two Captain Bogg and Salty concerts and gleaning a plum tree in between. The first concert was at the Bothell Library. For the first time ever, I was at a library before it opened. This was mostly a coincidence though, we left Doug's car at the park and ride so we had to ride out together. We got our tickets and had a nice spot in the front on the side of the room.

Dallas wanted to be held, Robin wanted to dance and Warren didn't want the same thing from minute to minute, he likes to change it up. I'm finding it hard to meet all the kids wants while at times like these. The odd thing is, the most difficult part seems to be that my kids, although eating all the way there and with the promise of food immediately following, feel like they are starving to death it they have to stop eating for half an hour. Doug joked we should try worming them, lol.

On the drive down to Bothell we were listening to Emphatical Piratical and Robin wanted to request a song and we couldn't agree. Dallas clearly wanted Purple Tikki because when asked which one he liked he would chant back wee oh-oh wee oh-oh, although it's heehoo heehoo he most often sings which is Treading the seas for pirate gold. Robin said Buccaneering Bunny Rabbits aka Bunnyjacks and I really wanted to hear Who's At Captains Table. When we had the chance ask for these requests, regretfully they were not on the days playlists. I was asked if there was any other song and my mind just went blank. clearly the answer should have been Wind from Prelude to Mutiny. It's the song that draws us to the Pirate Festival in hopes that we get to hear it again. It has to be Captain Bogg's finest. When that song plays the energy in the crowd changes and you get a shiver down your spine of excitement. Perhaps it's too much energy for a mall to hold. Then again, the celling was pretty high.

After the Bothell show I packed the now half starved kids into the van and loaded their little laps with snack foods and headed for the plum glean. It was a glorious tree overflowing with mid sized yellow fruit that was quite delicious. The home owner and I picked as many as we could reach and as we did, Robin would find one in the tree and ask me to hand it to him. I asked what he was going to do with his plums and he said he wanted to give them to the pirates because they couldn't have trees on a pirate ship and it was sad that they don't go home at night to sleep in a bed because they have to stay on the ship. This spurred two topic: 1) boats, especially ships have beds and food, and 2) The band is made up of real people who have real lives. I didn't know he believed they were really pirates full time. I know we had this conversation after the pirate festival, perhaps it didn't really sink in. We talked about how all the band members have real names and stage names, they don't have to stay on a ship, and they get to go home to their own families too. He was much relieved. He was highly concerned that they didn't have enough to eat seeing as how Sunny Jim only makes cinnamon toast, which Robin has never had but he knew they needed fruit too. So here comes the plums. He had carefully selected what he deemed the very best from the tree to give to his pirate friends and I had just told him they didn't need them. He looked crushed. I quickly realized that I couldn't let his last hour go to waist so we decided that they were still a nice gift because the library and the mall wouldn't have great plums to offer so he should go ahead and take them.

We go to the Crossroads mall and he gathered his treasure to deliver and he was a boy on a mission. When we found the stage he froze and whispered "Mama, I need you to do it. I just can't." The band was still setting up so I carried them to the stage and set them down off to the side telling them briefly how Robin picked them some plums. Looking down at Robin, I could see he felt he did a great deed. He was very proud. To him, he was feeding some starving pirates who surly would starve on just limes and toast and four little plums would save their lives. When Doug met up with us the first this that came beaming from Robin, before even saying hello was "I gave them plums!"

We had a great time last night at the aquatic center. The first thing to note is it's well staffed and clean. there are several family bathroom/shower/changing rooms as well as the separate ladies and gents. I would have preferred larger lockers for that quarter they cost but we just locked up our phones and keys and brought the huge bright gym bag to the beach chairs and loungers. There were many. Warren was asleep and Doug didn't want to get wet and cold so he stayed out with the baby.

Since it was night, although it wasn't a very warm night, it wasn't particularly cold either. The thought of getting wet wasn't exactly appealing but I didn't feel like I would freeze either. I was glad to find that Pavy was not kidding, the water was heated! On to the features of this cool water park.

There is a lazy/rushing river depending on if your trying to go against the current to get out or not. There are plenty or intertubes of varying sizes. At one end there is a constant shower of water that fills these buckets that dump down on you. I don't really understand the appeal of suddenly getting drenched from above. The kids didn't either. It must be there to keep the staff in good humor. This river connects up to the landing pool for two huge twirling water slides. You need to be 48" to go on them. I'm not a fan of water slides myself but Robin was highly disappointed that he could not go.

They have a wave pool that has some really strong waves and goes to 6.5 ft. Dallas kept falling down and both kids went under for a second and decided they didn't like it after a short while. Robin kept braving it from the side and then backing out but I was worried about getting washed over Dallas or his falling under so the kids had to move on. The waves crashed pretty hard even in the very shallow part. I sent them to the spray island wading pool and got to go in the deep end for a wave or two. It was REALLY fun.

The shallow spray island/wading pool had many fountains spraying out but you could go under then if your not keen to be sprayed in the face. The kids could choose to stand or crawl for most of it and there are blue tile lines to clearly mark when it changes from one to two feet so the kids could see where too far really was. I didn't notice a line at the two to three foot mark but by then I was holding the kids so it didn't really mater. They were like fish there, not fearful at all just going for it.

When 10pm came around and it was time to leave we got a family restroom and found they have a shower in them and the water is also warm, warmer than the pool even. It made getting out and getting cold to change bearable. You pay to get in whether you swim or not. The cost was only $22 for all of us at the non-resident rate for the Wednesday night twilight special. It was a really great time and well worth the drive and expense.

Ah yes, the drive. We got back to Doug's car where he was too tired and had a nap, then we stopped on the side of the road so he could sleep a little more and I could change and feed the baby, After sleeping in the driveway, we didn't get to our own beds until 3am. Warren had been asleep since 8pm so after a couple change/feed combos, was ready to start his day at 8am again. I'm exhausted today after all the swimming and dragging kids through the water then staying awake to make sure we all arrived safely. I still hope we can go again next year.

But maybe I have said too much already. I feel like a dork.

I always feel like blogging in late summer. I think it's when I first started. Why? Captain Bogg and Salty I'd guess. I always right about the summer library tour. It's getting harder to find time to write though and as I found out today, it's getting harder to take photos too. I had a hold of two kids at all times at the show today. I hope I can get enough shots for a decent slide show.

I noticed on my phone, in my iblogger program, I have several unpublished blog posts. I realized the reason is I fear feedback or lack of. My blog auto posts to my facebook page. Is this a good thing or a bad thing, I have not yet decided.

Robin says: I love to laugh so you can tickle me all the time, anytime and all day. Well, maybe not when I'm sleeping because then I would think you were a monster trying to get me. So tickle me all the time when the sun is up.

Today has been a crappy day. Robin woke up early, before I was willing to get up and he woke me up every 15 minutes for the next 2 hrs but I was able to stay in good humor. The trouble started when I heard a car in the driveway. It was the same guy who always comes to leave us a pamphlet called The Watch Tower I called out the window to the man on his way to my door asking him to leave his literature on the table in the yard. I didn't want the dogs to get excited before they had been out to potty. I didn't hear them freaking out, but maybe they had.

When I came down after he had left, the kitchen floor was covered in urine. I got towels so mop it up, sprayed enzyme cleaner on it, walked to out of the room to get some gloves on and came back to Dallas slipping in a puddle of cleaner. He needed a quick shower to clean him off then I go back to cleaning it up.

I opened the door to let the dogs out now that they wouldn't be splashing through pee and find a dead baby red breasted robin and 3 rodents in various stages of being consumed, all involving entrails on the mat. The kids are used to seeing rodent parts by now but I know I have to dive out to get that baby bird before Robin sees it and we start in on a day of "Why did the bird have to die?" "Where/what is he now?" "How can we save the next bird?" It makes for a trying day because no possible answer will bring back the dead creature and that's what he really wants.

I let the dogs back in and by now the children have all been very patient but are very hungry so I go to get the milk from the fridge and almost step in a fresh bit of dog poop. I though animals didn't poop where they sleep. Everyone knows that right? Not my dogs. I don't know if it was Pokey or Junior but that the heavens it wasn't Titus. Clean that up and back to breakfast.

Fast forward two hours and I hear a goat yelling. I go outside and can see them down in the woods, not in a fenced area. The yelling is Kay Kay. She has horns so probably doesn't fit through the hole the others escaped from. I have to go to science group but can't because I now have to find a way to get the goats back in the yard because if they wander into the neighbors yard we might get a visit from the cops for having livestock at large or they might just shoot them, either is as strong a possibility. I come back inside to ponder my next step and slip in a puddle of....you guessed it....dog piss.

I'm going to give up now. I'm calling it a day. I'm not leaving the house, just going to watch to make sure the goats don't leave. They won't come to me, they know they are getting the greener brush on the other side of the fence right now. As long as they don't leave or eat my fruit trees, and the kids are still happy as they have been all day, I'm going to just go with the flow even if it's only a trickle.

This year Papa got the platinum edition of Arbans Method for the Trumpet, the trumpet bible so to speak. Here he is playing with Robin. Robin can buzz a mouth peice pretty well.


Robin gets a turn to play the horn.



A trumpet mouth peice no longer needs to be a unitasker since Dallas' discovery of it's handiness as a banana holder.

On the way downstairs this morning, I asked Robin what he would like for breakfast, either flakes (bagged cereal) or oats (cooked steel cut). He said "I've been thinking about this Mama, and I want junk food for breakfast today." "Junk food?" I ask. "Yes, flakes." he replies. "You know why I call it junk food? Because Papa gives it to us and it's just fast. It's the good kind of junk and it's ok ya know?" "Ok then, junk food it is. Do you want raisins or blueberries on your junk food?" "Both!" he joyfully answers.

Maybe I'm the only one who didn't know this before but having eagles in your yard isn't always a good thing. They can and do carry off cats and dogs and other small animals. Today while making lunch, Doug say an eagle swoop down into our yard and land it a tree. We have 8 cats out there and Junior (yorkie mix) was out in the yard too. It didn't move on so we ran out to scare it away. Doug beat me around the corner and started clapping to scare the eagle away. As he took off over the shed, Raven called out from across the yard, then 7 ravens took off out of the cherry tree. These are very large birds, not to be confused with crows in the slightest. We stood there for a minute, a little stunned wondering what we just interrupted when our Raven, the one that says good morning to me, the one that kept the hawks away from the chickens came swooping down over our heads calling out again. We said hello and then he was gone. Yep, Raven has our back.

This week I decided to try diapers a different way. Instead of washing every two-three nights and folding the next day I washed everyday and decided to put them away once a week. I just don't know if this will work out. It's true I didn't feel behind since I planned on folding at the end of the week and I still felt accomplished since I washed them every night. It's the folding that got me. I had to fold a day early because I was just out of diapers, but Burn notice and Royal Pains were on the DVR so I had something to watch. I'm just about half was through the third and final bag and needed to sit and have a break.

I am trying a different way of tackling the regular laundry too. It seems to be working well so far. Previously I sorted laundry by colors, darks and whites with bath towels and napkin/household towels separate. I was always behind on folding. I really hate that. Now the bins have been relabeled Mama, Papa and Kids. This has made it much easier because, maybe it's no big surprise, but most of the dirty laundry is generated by Doug. He wears at least two outfits every day, some days a couple more. The kids laundry has gotten a little easier since it's been hot they haven't wanted clothes. The plan was wash one load a day but I have not been able to do that and it has worked out fine. I just have to keep on top of Doug's laundry. There have been a few accidents lately such as a bathroom flooding as well as a child who takes his diaper off in his sleep that have kept the laundry busy with sheets and bath towels. Anyway, I think this might work out fine if I could only get these diapers finished. I'll put on a movie next time to help pass the time better....

I seems that just when I think I'm over this flu/cold/bug it comes back. Today I don't know what happened, I just couldn't stay awake. Doug was home sick too. He was really bad last night through early afternoon, then was able to sit downstairs with the kids while I went up to nap in the evening. While doug was still in bed, he told me he was scared. I asked of what? Being sick, not getting better, death? He said he didn't know, just scared. Right now, it hit me. I'm scared too but I feel scared of everything. He went to bed so I don't have anyone else to tell.

Anyone remember the despair squid on Red Dwarf? I would imagine that this is what is feels like. Suddenly I feel so afraid. I'm scared of what people think of me. I'm worried my relatives don't think I'm worthy. I'm worried I'm ruining my kids. I fear my kids will grow up and leave me all alone. I'm worried about money, not handling it well, not having enough. I'm worried about making the wrong choice in housing or wrong choice in state. I worry we aren't putting enough effort in to the animals, building new goat fencing, getting chickens again, scrubbing out the litter boxes. I fear I might never get caught up on the laundry again. I'm afraid of failing. I had a career once, did I fail that too? Someday the kids will be grown and I will have to find something to do with myself, what then? What if I died? How would they get along without me? What if Doug and I both died? Would my children find happiness again? I feel overwhelming despair. I'm going to list this out and work through it.

What people think: Why does it matter? It just does. Doesn't it? I guess is doesn't really. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and I doubt anyone is going to tell me theirs unless I ask and I just won't. It's when I get to hear opinions I didn't ask for, I'm always so stunned by such things, I don't have comeback ready. I guess there's just nothing I can do about it anyway, I am who I am and mostly, I'm happy with that.

Worried about what relatives think: I suppose I have to refer to the previous conclusion. What can I do about it anyway. I probably spend way too much time worrying about it. I may or may not live up to expectations what ever those may be. I can love them regardless. if they choose to love me or not is not my business.

Ruining my kids: I bet anyone who puts any thought into parenting worries about this. Is there anyone who had a perfect childhood? All I can do is try my best and hope it all works out. I guess they are suppose to grow up and leave though, aren't they? What I really mean is I worry as adults they won't like me. I see people who have had parents who were their friends and people who had parents that were removed and not really their friends and both aspect have issues. Which really works best? Is there a good combination of both? How to raise a child fears aren't going to go away and really can't fit in one page even. I'm not even going to try to fix this one today.

Money: Who doesn't worry about money. We are ok. I wish we didn't have any debt. I also wish we had a better home loan. I don't know why it scares me so much, we should just do it. We should refinance but we are both dragging out feet on it. Last time we got burned badly on the fees and costs but didn't walk away and should have. It's daunting.

Housing: We need more room, really we do. There are plans we like to build a new house added on here. I'm the one holding us back on this one. I don't want to lose what we have on a risk for something more. I'm too scared to take the leap. The economy isn't great right now. We can afford the mortgage we have on unemployment if we had to. If we added on a second mortgage, actually we would need a new building loan, we couldn't anymore. I was thinking maybe we should just pay off the house first but if we do that would we really want to mortgage it out again or just make due? What about moving all together? getting land again would be next to impossible. The price has gone up too much. We would need to look out of state for land. Could I leave this house where I gave birth to my children? I guess we need to work on more storage options and getting rid of stuff.

Animals: They are all fine and alive. We seem to have fertility problems with our goats. We feed them local grass that has been tested dairy quality but it's not alfalfa. I think we need to have more mineral supplementation. I have bought all they need but Doug doesn't remember to give it to them regularly and I have a hard time getting out there to do it. This is where I mean more effort is needed. We won't have any milk or kids this year. The mean old buck kicked the bucket too so we might not have any kids next year either. We need to buy a buck, a young buck. If anyone has one for sale please let me know. Raccoons killed every last duck and chicken last year. it was decided to take a year off and just buy eggs. I'll be ok until next year and we can build our new safely enclosed chicken houses this fall. Litter boxes stink, they just do. We are committed to changing and cleaning every cage and box at the season change so I just need to be patient.

Laundry: It's true I probably will never catch up. Right now I have the problem of size changes. Both Warren and Dallas are between sizes, moving up but still fitting some of the smaller size. Dallas has been borrowing Robin's clothes a lot. Some how we don't seem to have any pants that fit Dallas right now. Robin was using the toilet all the time at this size. Dallas will use the toilet as long as he doesn't have clothes on. With clothes he needs a diaper but the pants we have in his size don't fit over the diaper. We don't have space to store all these clothes we have either but I have found a lack of time to shop for clothes now. We used to shop thrift stores all the time, I don't know how we fit it in, now I can't find the time for it. I can't just get rid of what doesn't fit and buy more when the next kid gets there. If I could find the table I could sew him some new pants from some old clothes. That would clear some room in the adult closet as well.

Career: Oh well. Maybe I can go to college with the kids. I loved college. I don't know what I will do. I can't let myself worry about it now, I need to live in the moment. Who knows what there will be a demand for then.

What if I died: I have life insurance and with it Doug would try to get the kids into a school like The Attic or another private school that will encourage free thinking and individuality. They will not go to public school.

What if we both died: I can't even imagine what their lives would be like without us. I can't, I just can't. Holly and Abel Rosas are to have our kids. The kids are very comfortable there and I know they would be loved. I'm not saying this in passing, I'm serious. If something were to happen to both Doug and I we want Holly to have our kids. If anyone wants to get in line for them, let me know.

What about the animals? I don't know. The kids love their pets so very much but I don't know where they would end up. Jannelle would take Uma, that's really all I have worked out. I would have to leave that up to Holly what she thought she could handle since the animals would belong to the kids. This is a depressing subject. I can only plan for it so much. I really don't know how to. Well, my head hurts now.

I just looked in on the sleeping kids and I feel happiness again. They just keep on growing. They all look so much a like and so very different at the same time. They look happy, not a care in the world. I hope they stay that way.

Back in the day, before we started eating "healthy" we would buy Little Debbie Nutty Bars all the time. They were a payday treat we would buy if we had a couple bucks left over when we were at our poorest.

After stopping soy for even a month, we couldn't stand the mouth feel of the waxy "chocolate like" substance not to mention the body aches afterwards. They might as well call them flavored plastic. There was a time when they tasted great though.....



Today I had my first fluffernutter. It's a sandwich made with Marshmallow Fluff and nut butter. It was life changing. It tasted just like my memory of a Nutty Bar, just like they should taste. Happiness just flooded over me.

It has been hard to find/make treats that don't contain dairy, soy or gluten and taste like their off limits counter parts. I have found new treats to love and made some wonderful new recipes too but it was amazing to taste this fabulous treat that, to me anyway, tasted so much like my memory of earlier years. Here's how I made them: toasted gluten free Food For Life Pecan Raisin Bread, Natural Crunch Sunbutter (sunflower seed spread) and a thin layer of Marshmallow Fluff, no bread on top. Yummy!

Now for the sad part. My tub of Marshmallow fluff is almost gone. I puzzled over what to do next. Beg family back east to mail me some fluff? Ask a friend who's taking a trip out of state to pick some up for me? Search Amazon?? Yes, I figured I should search Amazon first. Although Amazon gets at very least monthly purchases from me, sometime weekly even, they did not offer the best deal, in fact, they only broker a 4 pack that is half original and half strawberry in smaller jars. I don't have any interest in the strawberry flavored kind so I decided to go straight to the source - www.marshmallowfluff.com. How great is that? The package looks so vintage but they are up with technology. You can order this stuff straight from Durkee-Mower, Inc. It's a product still made right in the USA. That makes me feel a little better about consuming near straight corn syrup and sugar.

I made gluten free salmon berry cobbler last night but both kids fell asleep in their dinner so I saved them some and gave it to them tonight instead. I asked Robin if he liked it and he said "It was slimy, it was gooey, it was lumpy and messy so it was good!" He really liked it and asked me to go cook him more. I had to explain that we needed to wait until more berries grew to make more. He wasn't thrilled with this but agreed to go check for more in a couple of days.

Three years ago Doug sent me an email with a link to what was said to be the worst music video ever...Robin who was 1 at the time, loved it and still asks for it frequently. So here it is as Robin calls it "I love you wanna tender"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPnGPIMUnus

So I'm taking the kids to the LIFE is Good Unschooling Conference this year and we will be staying in the conference hotel. I can't imagine having to herd three under 5 in to the car and back out again for every snack and meal so I need to provide them in our room. The problem with this is just that it's not very simple. With the food sensitivities it's really rather hard. Let's start with a simple sandwich. The only gluten free bread that tastes worth eating and keeps for more the 24 hours comes frozen but you can keep it in the fridge. It does NOT taste ok cold. It doesn't microwave well either. The only way to eat it is slightly toasted, at least that's the only way my family will eat it. The room has a microwave and a mini refrigerator so I bought a little toaster oven to bring too. It was under $25 and if I eat more than one meal out of it, I have saved more than I spent. Remember no dairy, wheat or soy so fast food isn't even a possibility. Eating out even for just me and the kids is two entrees and that usually comes to around $20-$30. The boys eat a lot of food, you would be shocked what they can pack away. I'm also bringing a small crock-pot to cook dinners in. I might make oats for breakfast in it too. I have some frozen muffins to have for desserts in the toaster oven and can bake a tray of frozen fries and veggies easily. I am bringing the blender base and the blender cups for our green smoothies. I would really, really like tea so the water kettle is coming too. Cooking takes dishes and spices and well, food so I already have two suit cases packed full of kitchen type items. I have a suit case full of toiletries, vitamins and toys and a tote full of books and art supplies too. The large suit case is suppose to hold bedding, the non standard stuff like my two travel pillows I never sleep with out, the larger waterproof mat, the bed rails and our clothes. Now I'm worried I won't have room for the clothes, lol. That's 4 bags, 5 if you could the diaper bag, one large plastic tote of diapers, one toaster oven box and a large collapsible cooler that's still collapsed right now. I have gone over the list over and over and I can't figure what to cut so I guess this is really what I need to take the kids away for a week. Am I crazy? Yes I am, but I'm prepared......

Here's the video for the song that Robin likes in his heart very very much

Both Dallas and Warren are sleeping but Robin just woke up. He asked me to turn on that group that sings Hey There Toolyla because he likes it in his heart very very much.

After announcing his intentions to fly away for a few weeks, I asked Robin why he wanted to go away for so long. His answer was exactly what I though it would be, he said "Well, you left me for weeks and weeks when you went to Indiana." I asked him if he was still mad about that, he said he was trying not to be grumpy anymore but he was. It didn't seem to matter that Doug was gone right after I got home, he's still only mad at me.

Last night Doug didn't come home again. He had driven to work and I had met him in Seattle to see the Imax of Star Trek so we have two cars down there. After dinner on the drive back home, although we were both tired, Doug pulled over to sleep. I eventually did too but I had the kids need to get them home and out of the carseats and he did not so he didn't come home and I had to get them all into the house, which is just over fifty yards from the cars (Doug's estimate). After the ordeal of getting to the house, the boys were wide awake so we watched a movie, it was movie night, and had a little bonding time. I think we are getting through this, slowly but it feels like progress.

He woke up this morning in a good mood. He has an imaginary bear today. Robin says this bear was mean and grumpy last year but now he's kind and nice because he's not angry anymore. The concept and comprehension of time plays a huge roll in our lives right now.

While driving to Seattle Robin says from the back seat "Mama, I really want to see MaryClare and I know she lives far away so you can go ahead and drop me off at the airport and come and pick me up in a couple weeks."

Dallas is learning to use the potty and it often involves him sitting on the toilet for long periods of time undecided about whether of not he is done. While trying to gage if Dallas was wanting to sit there on the toilet or needed a wipe (nope) Warren, who was in his bouncer in the livingroom started fussing. Robin picked him up and carried him across the room, set him on a pillow and pulled up his little piano next to him and started playing a song he was making up. Warren was holding on to the piano smiling at his brother. I came out and asked "What's going on?" Robin answered "I'm playing him a song filled with glee because he missed you and was sad but now Warren is filled with glee too." I couldn't reach a camera and knew the moment ould be lost if I tried so I did the next best thing, I called Doug and recorded it on a voice mail to him. We should all be filled with glee don't you think?

Wow, I have no time to write anymore. I know they are only little once and this time shall pass sooner than I like. I think of blog posts all the time, I just never make it here to post. Even at this very moment, there i a baby fussing on my leg as I bounce him softly up and down, hoping to calm him enough for just one more word.....

Robin and Dallas are playing together and I turn to look at what they are doing and Dallas is trailing behind Robin with a string hanging from his mouth and Robin has a hold of the other end leading him along like a horse. Robin previously had the metal spring to a wooden clothes pin stuck onto the end of this string so I said to him "I don't want any metal put in Dallas' mouth so if that's what he has in his mouth please take it off" Robin replies "No Mama, it's just string and IF he did have metal in his mouth and IF he died he could just be a fossil instead, but it's just string.".

I'm grateful for:
✿ Wearing jammies all day - It makes it just that much easier to go to bed at night.
✿ Take out - on days like today I cherish the discovery of Chinese take out we all like.
✿ Amazon food subscriptions -my case of wheat/dairy/soy free Pamela's cookies came today! The price is half off buying them at Safeway.
✿ Not following in my mothers foot steps. - My sister is going through a tough time because she makes the same mistake our mom did, loving liars. It's an unconscious choice my sister makes, she's attracted to jerks but at least she has the sense to leave when she finds out they have been cheating. I'm grateful I didn't choose that path. It looks sad and lonely.
✿ I found today's newspaper useful - it has become more and more rare that the local paper has been useful for much more than lining the bird cage. Today however I while skimming the paper, and I always do on Thursdays for the hike of the week there was actually things worth reading. Don't ask me what, I'm too tired to remember now but I remember being interested.


For the second day in a row Dallas woke us up crying and wouldn't go back to sleep. The day involved a lot of blowing up at each other followed by apologizing. Nap time was a battle of wills. It at 2 PM but sleep didn't happen until 5:45 and we slept until 7:45. They didn't fall asleep in their own beds but only on top of me after I had given up and said we could get up and go down stairs. Doug got home nearly an hour later around 8:45. A gas main had been broken in Seattle and he was stuck at a stop on the train waiting for the tracks to clear for the longest time. Tomorrow will be a day of catch up before the weekend starts. Friday is movie night and Robin has already requested Fiddler on the Roof so I will get almost 4 hrs to work. I'm looking forward to Saturday and the Mardi Gras celebration!

Doug was reading Robin a book today that had peafowl in it. When Robin saw the picture of the male peacock he was so excited. He told us when he was a big boy, before he was Robin, he lived with his grandma and they had peacocks. It was said in a strange matter of fact way. It's not the first time he had seen a peacock either. There is one that roams around the zoo that we have seen.

Later he started talking about his horse that took him to school but it was two wild and he had to get rid of it but he loved the horse and he was so sad.

Today while serving breakfast which involves a lot of back and forth between the kids and the pan of steel cut oats, I noticed that Dallas' face looked pretty red. Doug was working from home and standing a the counter on his computer and I asked him to check Dallas out too. His cheeks were red, the bridge of his nose was red, his neck was red too. There was no way he could have ingested any allergens yet since he had only eaten some freeze dried peas, a common snack here and his steel cut oats with raisins, coconut oil and OJ and we eat this all the time. We took off his clothes to see if maybe he was reacting to a spider bite or something and his arms were red and so were his legs and the trunk of his body was splotchy red. I was very concerned.

I haven't ever turned red like that but have had hives before but for me it has always been accompanied with difficulty breathing. I have gotten hives as a reaction to antibiotics. Dallas had no signs that he was having any trouble breathing. Doug has had hives that have turned his body red before due to stress. He said it looked just like what Dallas had. For Doug, he was taken to the emergency room and they gave him epinephrine and Benadryl. In my case just Benadryl. We don't use medications very often but I do keep Benadryl in the cupboard because once you have your throat start to close up on you, you will not want to be without the antidote for it. I go to find the Benadryl and it turns out we have a bottle of hard tablets and a bottle of liquid that expired in May of 2002, both only for adults. We decide to get the kids ready to go to the store, we would buy and give him some Benadryl and if he didn't turn back to normal we would go to the hospital.

I had stop getting the kids ready to nurse Warren and I got the idea to pump some milk for Dallas and see if that helped. I pumped almost two ounces and put it in a sippy cup for Dallas. He was happy to drink it down and within two minutes the redness in his face and the trunk of his body started to fade. By the time we were able to get everyone in the car his arms and legs were also back to normal color. I wish I knew what caused it and if it was the breast milk that cured him or if it was coincidence. I feel like I helped him either way and I'm so glad he's ok. I do wish I knew what caused it. He didn't sleep well the night before so that could have been it I suppose.

I'm grateful for:
✿ Having my own forest to explore - Robin, Dallas and I went out to pick up sticks to make a fire pit for Saturday evening. We are going to try and clear the floor of the woods and grow some grown cover for the goats to munch since they have taken out the blackberries in that area
✿ Casey sitting on my feet - He's 6 yrs old 100 lbs and still thinks he's a puppy. He will sit and stay pretty well. He does however feel like he needs to site between me and the kids while I'm still holding the kids hands! He kept running off to check on the goats and I can't really fault that since he is the livestock guardian.
✿ Dallas' compassion - He will kiss anything he thinks might be a hurt. He is so concerned with how everyone else is doing. Robin fell down outside and got a sticker stuck in his hand and Dallas was very worried about him. If he tosses a toy and it lands near you he will come and kiss you to make sure your ok. When Warren cries he comes up and tells him "is k, is k." while patting him and kissing him.
✿ Doug cleaning up the little toys - he moved some furniture and put away every toy he found. I know this takes a lot of time to do, I'm the one who usually does it and I am grateful that he did it for me.
✿ Getting to over hear my kids bath tub conversations They have rubber duckies, frogs and dolphins and they were having talking with each other. The big ones were the mom and dad (Robin) and they were telling the little ones were the kids(Dallas) about bath safety and rules such as: take care of each other and don't let the little brothers fall under the water, keep the water in the tub, look up when mama washes your hair and Dallas played the part of the kids just saying "no! no! and splash! while laughing at the mama frog and papa dolphin" Too cute.

I'm grateful for:
✿ Getting the laundry put away - there were nine loads of laundry to put away. I'm getting caught up slowly but surely.
✿ Watching the kids imaginations run wild - I love how they play together. Play cooking is awfully fun to watch. Dallas feeds me imaginary food all the time. Robin likes to make me imaginary tea.
✿ Letting someone else make dinner - Doug made pizza
✿ Gift cards in the mail - Doug's aunt sent a gift card for Warren so now we can buy more cloth diapers. Maybe I can start washing every other day instead of everyday. I really fear what might happen if I forget to dry them in the morning
✿ The music of Fiddler on the Roof - Robin sings every song with me. Dallas is learning them too. They love to dance to them too.

Today was the last day of a three day weekend for Doug. Warren is just over three weeks now and we finally heard from Doug's parents. They live in Bothell, just over an hour away. They didn't want to make plans to see him but talked to Doug about Linux. I am at peace with it. My kids can learn how grandparents are usually more interested by hanging out with friends who have involved grandparents. They got to see a fine example of what a grandma is like on Friday when we met Victoria and her mother-in-law Irene for a trip to the Seattle Childrens Museum.

I'm grateful for:
✿ Having reptiles, life wouldn't be complete without them
✿ Car carts at grocery stores - how lucky are kids these days
✿ Skagit Valley Food Co-op's cloth diaper section. If I still lived in Lynnwood I wouldn't know where to go but Bellevue to buy a Snappie when I misplaced the only one I hard or buy a daiper cover when it turns out all the smalls I had are missing
✿ Costco having a growing selection of gluten/dairy/soy free snacks. Today there was a bag of jalapeño chips for Doug and a bag of Veggie Crisps for the kids and I
✿ Freddy Land - The playland at Fred Meyer. Robin has such a good time playing there and the attendant always puts on Mary Poppins per his request. When we got there today A Bugs Life was playing. He said to me "Mama, this is a bad movie and it's scary so she will turn on Mary Poppins for me and I will be happy." I don't remember A Bugs Life being scary but I have not watched it since having kids to try and see it from their perspective. He was right though, as soon as he was in, she changed the movie for him.

I'm grateful for:
✿ Wikipedia - without it how could I know what coconut gel really is? It has to be the best tasting stuff on earth. It almost tasted like bubble gum, but almost like juicy fruit gum. It's chewy and fruity and so yummy, after you have tried it you will think of it all the time. It's a product fo the Philippines and it's made from fermented coconut water.
✿ Sunny days - Doug got to take Robin and Dallas out to play today. They love going out and helping Papa in the yard
✿ Three day weekends
✿ Memories of Monday playgroups - yep good times.
✿ Trying new things - like coconut gel! I have a bunch of new bean thread noodles to try and a couple from other things like sweet potato too.

I'm grateful for:
✿ Purple mylar balloons
✿ How my dad always calls on valentines day
✿ The sweet card from Doug
✿ Five minutes to cuddle before a child needed attention again
✿ A lucky guess on the code my three year old set locking me out of playing any DVD rated over G

As if it were possible I got even less sleep last night. I got to bed around 4ish and got up when Doug said it was time to go at 6:45. All things considered, the day went really well. Doug drove is all to his work and I slept for the last 30 minutes of the trip. Robin was awake the whole time and still awake when Doug parked the car and went into the office. I asked Robin if we could sleep in the car for a while and he said sure but 10 minutes later I awoke feeling guilty to make him sit there and wait so I got up and drove to the Pacific Science Center.

It took just over a half hour to get all the kids set and the stroller packed for a day out. Two of three needed diapers changed, one needed clothes changed, a bag with just enough diapers’ needed packing and snack cups needed refilling.

We couldn’t stay long before going to meet friends for lunch but they had a good time and barely wanted to leave.

They liked the lunch I packed! I always worry about that.

They had a great time at the Seattle Children’s Museum. It’s strange how the second we set foot in that place the kids loose the ability to hear me. It’s all children’s museums, not just one.

The kids fell asleep ok the way to the parking garage and Warren was the only one awake when we got to the car. He has to be put in first and didn’t like that. The older two slept through the crying though. Putting two heavy sleeping children into car seats in the back of the van was not easy but somehow I made it happen. After changing and nursing Warren we picked up Doug and went to Uwajimaya. That’s a fun store. Robin woke at the end in time to see a couple things we don’t see everyday. He wanted to try chicken feet but I talked him into crab instead. I told him we could try them another day. I wasn't prepared to figure out what to do with chicken feet. We drove home, I napped another 30 minutes. When we got home I sat to read stories and nurse the baby while Doug cooked crab and clams. We had Mochi for desert which Robin liked but oddly Dallas did not. Friday is movie night but I went up to bed while they watched something. It was a good day, a really good day.

I'm grateful for:
✿ Perfect parking spaces
✿ Packed lunches that the kids want to eat
✿ Friends to go places with
✿ Impromptu trips to Uwajimaya
✿ Coconut lychee jellies Yum!

I know that this will come out as sentimental and just plain mushy but I love my kids. As easy as my third birth was, something in me changed a little. It's not that I didn't appreciate my children before but I am constantly thinking about how blessed I am. Maybe I felt my mortality a little bit. There isn't a single time I touch my children that I'm not thankful that I have them. I am so lucky to get to be a part of their lives. I am so blessed that everyday I get to look at their excited faces, kiss their cheeks and hold their little hands. I'm so joyful that I get to be their mother that it brings tears to my eyes. I can't even find words that fully express how I feel about them. Sometimes it's hard not to dwell and just live in the moment.

I love to watch them play and hear what they have to say. Dallas is just starting to converse and some words he has down very well. Just yesterday he clearly said his first three syllable word Papaya. He repeats most anything you say but cautiously in a quite growl. He and Robin communicate well together though. They have something between them that I can never be part of and it is so special. I really want to foster that for them. Robin is going through a tough time right now, changing from a toddler to a kid. Part of him wants to stay a baby but part of him wants to grow up too. It's sad to watch sometimes. Once you grow up you can't really go back. When I can see he is conflicted I tell him no matter how big he gets he will always be my baby. He has started to tell me that when he is feeling the pressure to be big but wants to be little. I can see it really helps him.
He is turning into such a thoughtful boy. He went through a selfish phase for a while, not wanting to share and what not but he's coming around. Today he saved half his cookie for his friend. If I make him cookies he gets so excited, they are really special to him. It took a lot of self control to not eat the whole thing, it was the last cookie after all. In the car on the way home from Seattle Dallas woke up crying and Robin passed him his snack cup. I had just given it to Robin not five minutes before because he told me he was hungry. I asked him where his cup was and he told me "I gave it to my brother because he was hungry too and I want to take care of everyone." I was so proud to hear that. He said it with such concern. (I found him the other snack cup too)

Although I'm excited to get to watch them grow and I know they need space to do that, part of me fears that I will someday lose them. That has to be my biggest fear, losing them in some way. I have worried that as they get older I might do something to drive them away but then I realize that the very act of worrying about it helps shape the future so that history won't repeat it's self. Doug and I as parents put thought behind everything we do. We don't subscribe to the school of thought of "That's just what you do." We have heard that a lot in the past from family as an excuse for doing this or that "That's just what people did." I believe in following your heart but there is no excuse for a "No brainer" in my book. At anytime if I let my guard down and try to connect with our extended families it's usually because I have wondered if our parents might feel the same way I do about my kids, but all I find at the end of that road is disappointment.

Today started with waking up after only 3 hours sleep to Dallas screaming in my face. This of course woke up Warren. Dallas rams into you while he sleeps so can not sleep near the baby. He also will climb me in his sleep so really he can’t be near me while sleeping. I cried for a good solid 10 min about the sleep I wasn’t getting. I finally got Warren settled and went back to sleep. Robin woke up next and after arguing with him about if he could gold the sleeping baby or not, he went down stairs to play.

The second time I fell apart was after cooking breakfast and serving the kids Warren needed to nurse and I couldn’t get my water bottle, I had just given up my breakfast so the boys could have seconds and when I asked Robin to get my water for me he said no. I was just tired and hungry. Eventually he did get me that water.

Dinner took me 4.5 hrs to make. I mean I was chopping, stirring and actually working on it the entire time, between diaper changes and feeding all the kids. I managed to pull it off without getting too upset about it. I guess that’s just how it goes some days. It seems most of my problems come from lack of food and sleep. It has to be just a phase that we will pass sometime. If I can hold on until the weekend I can sleep again. As for food, well no one will feed me but me so I guess that might be awhile. Now on to the gratitude.


I'm grateful for:
✿ That I had enough tears to make it through the day because it really sucks to run dry
✿ Owning two slow cookers so I could make two kinds of chili, one with beans for the family and one without for me (my babies get colicky if I eat beans)
✿ Crickets in stock at the pet store so the frog and Dragon get dinner too
✿ That even though this was my hardest day yet, I was able to help Doug feel better after his terrible day at work
✿ Cool looking latex free bandaids that apparently take away the pain of nearly having your finger severed by the parrot (poor Robin)

Doug worked from home today because we missed a lot of sleep last night. Dallas wouldn't go to sleep, Warren cried for most of the night because every time I got him to sleep Dallas would try to pick him up. After Dallas fell asleep Robin woke up. Doug slept through most of it
last night so I slept in today. Warren was happy to sleep in with me most of the time too.

I'm grateful for:
✿ Easy to win badges on pogo
✿ Learning that the key to happiness is not in material goods
✿ My ability to cook and please my family
✿ Watching Robin do a happy dance for getting cookies that he can eat too
✿ Seeing that Dallas naturally eats cookies like Cookie Monster whom he has never seen in this lifetime

It was a difficult day today. I didn't get much sleep and even though
the kids were tired too they wouldn't let me take a nap. Hopefully
tomorrow will be a better day.

I'm grateful for:
✿ New friends
✿ Old dogs
✿ The yard when it's covered with snow and lit up by the moon
✿ Doug bringing me comfort food after I have had a bad day
✿ Tomorrow so I can try again

There is so much pressure to pick the right seeds for the garden. This pressure is mostly self imposed. Doug is putting on the pressure to get them ordered now but I'm the one worried about choosing winners this year.

Last year we did ok. I ordered a bunch of beans and they didn't grow well if at all. The cukes didn't even come up, not a single one of the three types we planted.

We had some real sucesses too. We had never grown lettuce before, it just wouldn't sprout but last year we had amazing lettuce. It was our best crop. The spinach did amazing as well. The tomatoes fruited a lot longer than usual because of the hoop house Doug built. He plans on making two more. The peppers didn't grow much but they never really have. The hoop house wasn't built until late last season so it didn't help the peppers much. I have higher hopes for this year.

We do ok with carrots, beets and peas. Usually the zuchini turns out ok but the variety we planted last year rotted really easily. Green beans have never been a problem before so I guess I need to order them from a different source. We have had brocoli grow well too but haven't had a caulifower reach maturity yet. We rock radishes. It's just too bad I don't like to eat them.

Potatoes and pumpkins pop up volunteers from years pasts plantings. The goats are also being moved to a lower pasture for the year and the three sisters, corn, beans and squash will be planted where the goats have been.

It sure would be nice to have an herb garden too. I have tried before but I can't seem to keep up with the weeds in an herb garden and a vegetable garden. I had some plants going for a couple of years but Doug tilled them in on accident. I actually cried when he destroyed my thyme. I still have sage out there.

I'm not sure how much I can do this year. So far Warren seems to be a baby who requires holding all the time. If he is awake and I set him down he screams. Robin was the same way except Robin would wake up if you set him down too. Warren will at least let me put him down sleeping. I'm sure I will be able to get the plants and seeds in the ground but this year I need an irrigation system. Last year I used a watering can and watered once or twice a day and it took just over half an hour to do in the begining. Did I mention how large the garden is? 33' x 45'

I found this great weeding tool at the feed store last year. It's called the hula hoe. It's a circular hoe and you just rub it back and forth over the seedlings and it uproots them with ease. Usually the garden is more of a treasure hunt through the weeds looking for edibles but the garden looked real last year. I'm certain this year I can keep it up at least partialy. Robin and Dallas will love the chance to go out and play everyday while I weed the garden and I can wear Warren on all but the hottest days.

I'm grateful for:
✿ Not hurting myself too badly when I slipped on the porch and fell
flat on my back
✿ The baby didn't get hurt when we fell
✿ Doug gave Toto (the dog formerly known as Junior) a hair cut
✿ A thick glass jar for the coconut oil since I dropped it and it
bounced instead of breaking
✿ I'm very grateful I made it through my first day alone and still
managed to have dinner ready when Doug got home

I'm grateful for:
✿ Seeing the sun rise before falling back to sleep
✿ The smell of a babies breath
✿ Invites to birthday parties
✿ Coming home to a freshly vacuumed rug
✿ Doug staying home two weeks

I'm grateful for:
✿ Big tight hugs that squeeze the breath out of you
✿ The realization that we are the only family we really need and won't
let the lack of extended family interest get me down anymore
✿ A clean van (interior)
✿ Homemade play dough
✿ Tight fitting carseats

It's getting harder to be original everyday but I suppose that's the point. Five things to be grateful for doesn't sound so hard, it's putting them into words that is. I keep noticing moments and thinking "I'm so grateful for right now" but if I tried to write it down I'm sure it would turn into a long boring story much like this has.

I'm grateful for:
❄ Children, everyday
❄ A freshly cleaned litter box which is NOT what I'm smelling right now
❄ Sleeping in on what feels like the last day I may ever sleep
❄ The many years of Sci Friday we watched while Stargate was still on
❄ Silly cats who play with the kids toys after the kids go to bed

Yesterday when I finally had a chance to sit down and write my five daily gratitudes it was 12:03. I was three minutes too late and this app won't let you cheat and back date. To me, if I'm still awake the day hasn't changed yet so I went ahead and wrote them down anyway and decided to post 10 today instead.

I'm grateful for:
❄ Sleeping in with baby
❄ Kisses from my kids
❄ Medium starting up again
❄ Forgetting what day it is and finding 24 recorded and waiting
❄ When my children are nice to each other

❄ The silence in the house when everone has fallen asleep and all you hear is the cascading of water from the fish tank filters
❄ Turtles
❄ Pogo games
❄ Watching a baby grow while he sleeps
❄ Coconut bliss

"Don't piss on my head and tell me it's raining!" - Sonny Corinthos to Anthony Zacchara on General Hospital

Yes I'm a fan of General Hospital, I have been for years. I also watch One Life To Live but usually in fast forward these days. I'm not sure why admitting to watching soaps feels like a danger. Don't judge me for it! It's not like I sit around all day watching TV. The kids are not awake when I watch them either. I don't watch reality TV, I prefer my drama fake. No one really gets hurt that way. Doug hates soaps. I'm not even allowed to watch them in bed when he's sleeping, he says it keeps him awake. This from the man who can sleep standing up while in mid conversation. I have to either read subtitles, use headphones or watch downstairs after he's asleep. It's often what's playing while I wash dishes and fold laundry after every one else is asleep.

Today we went to the Seattle Aquarium followed by The Crab Pot for dinner. We have a membership to the aquarium and I have taken the kids quite a bit but Doug had not managed to ever make it down despite working so close. He was really looking forward to going today. We had a good time spending quite a while at the touching ponds. The fish that Robin loves was no where to be seen today but he wasn't too worried about it. Dallas is excited about all the fish but signed to me that he LOVED the octopus.



At the end of our aquarium tour we went through the gift shop. The boys picked out some frogs that have a flashing LED in their bellies. I always look at the jelly fish paper weights. I'm a big kid and I am still drawn to glow in the dark things and just love those sculptures. Doug surprised me and bought me one! It's so beautiful I don't think a picture can do it justice.

Everyone was hungry and we needed to eat dinner so we walked on over to The Crab Pot.
Robin loves crab maybe even more than I do and that's really saying something. Robin also has his fathers love for all things bivalve. In addition to a pound of crab to share we ordered a bucket of mussels and a plate of ribs for Dallas and I to share. Everyone loves this place. They put a huge piece of paper on the table and dump your crab, potatoes and corn cobs out in the middle and you all get wooden boards and hammers to crack or beat you crab with. After eating ribs and corn Dallas smashed potatoes and licked them off his hammer. Robin ate a shocking amount of food. He had some of everything then finished up any left overs nearly matching Doug bite for bite. Doug was kind enough to crack a couple legs and feed me too. Since I was holing the baby, I thought it best to keep my hands crab free since babies really shouldn't be exposed to shellfish. The ribs were wonderful though and the fries were great too.





While we were eating the people sitting in the next table over pulled a dine and dash. There had been four of them and they ordered a huge amount of food. The staff gave chase and caught one of the woman's purses. Since I was taking pictures of the family while eating, I had photos of the people sitting there. I offered them to the manager on the way out, he told us this time they had an ID so they could press charges but it has been happening very often and this was the third day in a row. I"m thankful that we could just go to The Crab Pot for dinner with out worrying about how to pay for it today.

❄Memberships to the aquarium
❄A husband willing to feed me crab in a restaurant when my hands are
full with the baby
❄The ability to pay for dinner at The Crab Pot
❄Pamela's Dark Chocolate Chocolate Chunk Cookies
❄My D90 for great pictures at the aquarium

I'm grateful for:
❄ Remembering there is a new episode of Big Love waiting on the DVR
❄ Sunny days so the kids can play outside
❄ A grateful husband for a turkey cooked well
❄The movie Ground Hog Day
❄Natural Cream Soda...Yummy

Snuggled in a carrier.

A sudden nap.

This is the Robin flower closing because it's night.

I've started a gratitude journal. It's suppose to be life changing. Everyday you write 5 things your grateful for and your suppose to do this for a month. I have a iPhone app for it so let's see if I can keep it up all month long. Here's my 5 gratitudes for 2/1.

❄ Listening baby snores
❄ I took a nap in the van
❄ Happy kids with snacktraps
❄ Uplifting and funny facebook notes
❄ Lettuce wrapped bonzai burgers

When I was 16 I ate a poppy seed muffin before going to the dentist. My nerves are all in the wrong place so I would have to go in an hour before my appointment to get numbed. Because of the pain of repeated pokings and my massive panic attacks at the dentist the would always put the nitric oxide on as soon as I sat down. This was a long appointment, two hours and so I was breathing the gas for nearly three hours and after my boyfriend drove me home, I puked the muffin up in the driveway. Since then before a throw up I smell nitric oxide.

I want to go to Indiana to show my extended family Warren but I also want to go on vacation somewhere tropical. Can I swing Indiana and Mexico in one trip?

I love pork rinds and don't understand why anyone would think they are gross. How can they be worse than potato chips or doritos? At least it's clear what's in them.

Everyone says Robin looks just like me but I think he looks like Papa
too.

Happy sleepers.

Dallas almost ate more mustard than anything else.

Mama and Warren

Am I one of those survivalist nut jobs? Maybe a little. I like the idea of being prepared for anything. I squirrel away food and supplies. I thought I had done a really good job and that we had the minimum required to last a year. Not according to the LDS recommendations. We don't have room for all the food I have stored now, it's seriously spilling into our living space but if we actually had the LDS recommendations, we might as well sleep on bags of flour and beans, lol.

Here, check out this link and see how you measure up.

http://www.thefoodguys.com/foodcalc.html

This baby was a completely planned unassisted pregnancy and birth. We had one ultrasound to see that the baby had all it's parts and the placenta was where it should be. We saw a midwife once to establish care in case of a hospital transfer. I have put plenty of research into birth, enough to know that birth is part of life, it should be safe in most cases and it is not a medical condition that needs managing. Childbirth is a natural function of the body, every mammal does it with little complication most of the time as long as not interfered with. I realize that there are some cases where nature needs a little help for the best outcome to both Mother and Baby but a midwife in my home wouldn't make a difference in my situation, if there was something wrong and an emergency, I'm just as capable of calling 9-1-1 as any midwife, more so since I know where I keep my phone. I'm not ignorant of potential complications, I studied all possible out comes and scenarios and learned what to do in all cases and when to call for help. It's not sheer luck as some seem to make it sound that the end result of unassisted pregnancy and birth is a healthy baby. In every birth, including with and OB or midwife, the mother is the only one truly responsible for her care and it is her responsibility to be informed in all aspects of her pregnancy and birth. A good friend of mine likes to say "Birth is as safe as life gets"

Doug's job in the birth aside from running around getting everything I call out to him, which he pulled off beautifully I might add, is to make sure the baby doesn't hit the floor too hard, lol. No seriously, I guided the baby out to his hands, he untangled him then passed him up while I was still on my hands and knees. Pretty easy really. We get comments that Doug must be becoming a pro at this and Wow Doug must be good at delivering babies and at first it offended me, now it cracks me up that people think that it's Doug doing the work of delivering the baby. I can't imagine what must be going through their heads to get that idea. Actually, after being at four different hospital births I guess maybe I can and the births of my children might be the un-comprehendible ones. I labor, I feel my pelvis expanding and my body start to push, get on my hands an knees and guide the head coming out, a minute later the body follows. Feeling Doug's hands on mine as he helps me catch the baby's body coming out is pretty magical though.

On to the actual birth story.
I fell asleep around 4 or 4:30 am while watching Scrubs on my computer. I woke up to use the potty at 5:25 and my back was sore, it has been for sometime but my pelvis was sore too so I figure I must have been laying wrong or with poorly positioned pillows so went back to bed and tried to go to sleep again. I woke up about ten minutes later and thought the pelvic pain was too irritating so I would watch the last 15 minutes of Scrubs I fell asleep for. Around now Dallas woke up from a bad dream and Doug had to get in bed with him, I told Doug to come back as soon as he got him back to sleep because I thought I would need him, I wanted him to rub my back. He fell asleep too so I left him alone. At 6:15 I woke him up and told him I needed him to run me a bath because I had an intense contraction and thought it wouldn't be long now. I had been saying that labor lasted about an hour, but I really didn't feel any contractions until this point, I was just awake with a back ache and that really wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I now conclude that my labor was really only 28 minutes.

We went downstairs, Doug rinsed and filled the bathtub, I sang a couple songs on my iPod and tried to sing low, think of relaxing my toes, (who can be tense with relaxed toes?) keep my jaw from clenching and thinking open, open, open. There was only one contraction that got too intense for me, I had wanted to get in the tub but Doug was in the way and I snapped at him for it, he was trying to move but couldn't decide which way to go and it was too late and I was stuck for a minute. I got in the tub and labored there for a little while, again snapped at Doug while he was brushing his teeth. I had grunted and he turned to watch me with excitement, I felt like a spectacle and lost focus. He had just set up the video camera and had been narrating behind me and I found that quite irritating, I tried to appoligize for snapping but I don't really know if it came out right. I think he understood. I hate the idea that I might have ever been mean while in labor. I did feel most of the labor in my back. It wasn't very pleasurable.

There came a point, not too long after I got into the tub that I couldn't get comfortable. Doug had left the room and I yelled to him that I needed a bucket because I thought I might puke. He went to get one but the feeling passed and I am happy to say I made it through another pregnancy without throwing up once. I hate throwing up. I threw up during transition with Robin but it was the only time in all three births. I have had many close calls, and several heavings, and with this one a few times when bile came up into my mouth from a well placed kick but no actual vomit!!

One contraction later I jumped out of the tub onto the floor where Doug had laid out two perfectly clean and matching towels (it's the details, and he knows I care) in anticipation of the birth, knowing it was time from my need for a bucket. As I was jumping from the tub to the floor, I knew I was in transition for sure because I exclaimed I hope there isn't something wrong! I could feel the baby's head coming but it didn't feel easy like Dallas' did. Doug is great and knows well not to touch me while I labor. He was going to go get Robin for the crowning and birth but I was positioned on the floor in such a way that he couldn't leave the bathroom without bumping me so he just stayed put.

I actually had to push a little with this one, the contractions were right on top of each other and I knew it was time to get that head down and I gave a little push and then gave a big push. My bag of waters exploded. I asked Doug to check if he could see any cord hanging out, he said no. Cord prolapse is really my only concern but at that point the most prudent thing to do, had there been a cord was push like hell since the head was already coming. After that push I could feel how huge his head felt and then tried hard NOT to push I knew I needed a minute to stretch. It was apparent to Doug, I couldn't see, why I was having some difficulty and needed to push with this one where I didn't with Dallas (aside from his head being three quarters of an inch larger) He was almost a face presentation, his forehead came first. He didn't have any molding to him at all. This could also be why my bones still ache a little. The pressure was up front, not so much in the back like with my other two so I added support where I could feel I needed it and tried to breath through it as not to tear. It's the strangest feeling having the head almost out and feeling hands and feet kicking and hitting inside of you. A moment came where I felt I had to finish the job, gave another push, out came his head, I felt a head, a cord and Doug's hands on mine and ran out of strength. His head wasn't trying to suck back in though so I knew he wasn't stuck, I just needed a second to get my baring again, then I pushed and out popped his body and Doug passed him up to me. He was born at 6:43 am.

Doug checked and it was in fact a boy and Doug went to get Robin right away. Robin didn't seem upset that he missed the birth, I told him he came really fast and we have the video for him to see and he seemed happy with that. He still wanted to be able to cut the cord. I squatted on the floor for a minute but the bath sounded nicer so I stood up and climbed back in. Robin wanted to be a good helper and got me drinks and I let him pour water on the baby and me to keep us warm. After the placenta came in the tub, we used the bucket for it and climbed out to go sit in my chair. The cord was short, much shorter than either Robin or Dallas. Dallas' cord was crazy long though, over a yard actually. This babies more like 18 inches. Robin's was in between, not long or short.

Dallas didn't want to wake up so slept in for another hour while Doug cooked pancakes at my request. Dallas then woke up and everyone was fed while the cord cutting supplies were boiled. I bought these neat cord bands to use. They are extremely unobtrusive for breastfeeding and I highly recommend them over cord clamps. The tool to put on the bands costs $90 but it wasn't hard to do with two curved tipped hemostats instead for a total cost of around $40 for the scissors, two straight hemostats, two curved hemostats and a pack of 150 bands (the smallest pack they sold). I also bought a stethoscope for infants, and a tape measure for the head and chest. It was easy to line up since it had slots to come back on it's self. His head is 14.75 inches, and his chest 15 inches. He is 21 inches long, the same as all the boys have been.

I didn't tear at all that I know of and feel great. I can potty without any pain, woo hoo! I don't have any swelling. The only thing that really aches is my tail bone and well my back is still sore. I had Doug help bind my belly and that feels good. I don't have that empty belly, guts falling out feeling this time. I'm starving though, and so thirsty. You wouldn't think I expended that much energy on under 30 minutes of labor but my stomach seems to think otherwise. Doug says it's because I can finally fit food in.



He's a great nurser, very eager and has a nice big latch but boy is this kid hungry! Dallas is most excited about the babies feet. He lifted the blanket and found his feet and said "kick, kick!" then pointed to my belly. He was telling me he understood that this was the baby who was kicking in me, and was now out. He keeps popping over to sign and tell me baby. Robin just wants to hold him and touch him. He's so excited. He kept telling me all morning, I'm so glad he came out good Mama, I'm so glad for him."

Robin woke up this morning and came to wake me up. He said he was hungry so we went downstairs to have breakfast and let Dallas sleep a little longer. We have 5 indoor cats. Doug took the two boys to get fixed this morning. Usually the cats hide and sleep in the morning, at least I thought they do. No sooner do we make it downstairs he says to me "Mama, where are all the cats?" I said "They must be sleeping." He says "No, they aren't here. Where did they go?" He has doctor phobia pretty badly but I had to tell him where they were, clearly our little psychic knew the house was lacking a couple bodies. He says to me, "Gamma needs to get fixed but Goldar is good and we don't need him fixed, he's not broken!" and he starts to cry. Well I couldn't figure out a good way to explain exactly what getting a cat fixed was but I told him that Gamma needed his brother to go with him so he wouldn't be scared at the doctors and that Papa was bringing them back home tonight. He calmed down and seemed to except this. I don't know what I will tell him when it's Silver's turn to be spayed. I decided to wait on her until the boys are calmed down since it's a major surgery for a female cat and pretty minor for a male. She will go alone and he will probably cry again. Silver has been beside herself bored today. She always plays with the kids, but has her brothers to play too. The kids are getting tired of being pounced upon by her poor thing she's so lonely. I can't imagine not having all three of them, they love the kids so much and are such a part of our day, it is lonely with out the boys here. They will be back tonight and they will be ok.

Yep , that sums it up. Nothing new.

Doug is snoring so loud the house is shaking. I hate that. It means the kids will wake up either grumpy or late and I won't get much sleep because when I finally do get to go to bed, I will spend all night telling him to roll over. If I take away the pillow he will mostly stop but then he wakes up and bitches at me and that's almost worse. I have bought all these things to try to stop the snoring, with his wakeful consent too but he won't use them. I have this snore clip that works by magnets and sticking in his nose, man that thing works awesome. He complains that it's too tight, well the rest of us can sleep, are you sure hurts worse than a foot in the back dear? I just got this snore spray to try and have asked him to please put it somewhere convenient for him since my getting up to get it in the middle of the night is very unreasonable as we have already established with the hip pain. It's STILL here on the table. There are exercises to try before sleeping that are suppose to help but that would break his routine. Honestly sitting her listening to this, I understand why some married couples sleep in separate rooms. I always though that would be the beginning of the end so to speak but what if it's really preventing the end by giving the non-snoring party a little sanity. It has gotten so much worse in the last couple years, I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm absolutely going to burst. Really, no kidding. I don't remember feeling so huge before although the pictures tell it otherwise. I really can't wait to meet baby, I also cant wait for my belly to stop hurting. I went to the Chiropractor yesterday and that helped with my back pain. I wish I could go every day. My hips felt so much better when I left but after sleeping on them again, how can I not, they hurt again. I did sleep the longest stretch I have in weeks, about 4 hrs without waking. So long that when I woke up and baby didn't I started to worry and had to get the doppler and wake the little baby up. Heartbeat was fine, I was just worrying for no reason.

I keep hoping to get that infamous burst of nesting urge. I have not had it yet, and did not with Robin or Dallas either. I keep working my ass off at night to make up for what didn't get done during the day like the dishes or cleaning up the toys. It feels so futile at times. If any project gets worked on at all, the regular stuff doesn't get done. I can't pick up all the slack, but Robin said Papa was working so I guess if he has to work on the weekend then I need to be the one to wash the dishes. Did I mention that I can't really reach the sink too well? I hate washing the dishes right now, but I feel strongly that in case of emergency, I would feel better knowing that it didn't look like EVERYTHING was neglected here.

I have been wanting to sew for sooo long but can't seem to get the table cleaned off. This sucks. Maybe the baby is just going to be waiting for me to finish the new carrier an if I could only find the table to do it, baby would come already. I know, I know not even my due date yet but I can't help but feel in a hurry this time for some reason.

It occurred to me today while chatting with my sister online, I had not spoken to her until recently, that my family is rooting for baby to be a girl. She referred to the baby as "she". My grandmother has told me she prefers girls, my mother has referred to the baby as "our little girl" (which cracks me up since she doesn't have time for my little boys so why would she would lay claim to any child of mine.) Uncle Fred thinks it's a girl but I don't think he really cares too much either way, he's a rather jovial fellow and was just making a guess. Why do people care? This baby shouldn't be a disappointment for anyone either way. If it's a girl we will still keep having children, if it's a boy we will still keep having children. I don't care what anyone else thinks we should be having. It sucks that it matters but I think I have written about it before, apparently it does to some people. The thing is, the people it seems to matter to most are barely around so it really doesn't matter does it.

We go eat at this Chinese restaurant on a fairy regular basis and the waiter/owner (I think), he asked when baby was due, we told him and then he tells us that his sister has had two babies but she is small and the babies were big so she scheduled C-sections. Now it was really the swooping hand gesture under his mid section that made me come back with "I birth at home." It wasn't information that needed to be shared yet it really just popped out. He looked shocked. Either he had never heard of such a thing or I don't know what! He did admit that he watches a lot of birth shows on TV and said a lot can go wrong. I assured him that both my kids had been birthed at home and we are all well. He asked "Why would you not go to a hospital to have your baby?" My answer: "First, I don't really like doctors much, (that should have been my second reason but that's how it came out) and second, I feel that birth is more of a bodily function that we are meant to do rather than a medical situation. (truly my first reason but again, thats not how it came out.) Now at this point he is stunned speechless. He finally said make sure you have someone with you like this guy pointing to Doug whom only nodded.

The dinner conversation before this point had been perhaps non-conventional and the couple across from us didn't appear that they could take too much more. When I said birth was a bodily function the woman actually choked. It was really hard not to laugh. Previous I was telling Doug how this morning before Robin went down stairs, he climbed into bed with me to cuddle (Yeah for those glowing bears, still going strong with sleeping on their own!!) Robin told me that he really wanted to help the baby get born and we didn't need any friend to come over. He said that he would cut the placenta. I asked if he meant the cord and he said with a very stern and straight face "That is exactly what I meant to say Mama, I will help you and cut the cord so we can all cuddle and hold the baby." I don't remember this part being covered on any birth video we had watched and we don't watch the birth scare tv shows either. I wonder if he remembers the cutting of Dallas' cord when he himself was only 2 yrs old. Anyway, I thought it was a strange request but we will see. I usually do that part myself.

He is so excited every day he comes up to me and says you know what Mama? There's a baby in your belly, or did you know there's a baby in your belly? Or sometimes he will ask me, where's the baby? An I will point down and he will say oh, just checking. We were using the doppler one day, we don't use it often so it's a big deal. Dallas was sitting on the side of the chair I was on and the baby kicked and everyone saw it. Since then, he loves to come and pull my shirt up and demonstrate to me where he saw the baby kick and he kicks the air while poking my belly in the same spot. He has been kicked before but I think it was just so visible that for some reason that time really stuck with him. I don't think Dallas will be as excited as Robin when the baby comes. He does however have baby fever. Everything is a baby and he stuffs them down his shirt an will sometimes even nurse his dolls and animals. I have a feeling I'm going to need to make a couple little baby slings for these two.