I can't help it, I love them

6:55 AM Edit This
I know that this will come out as sentimental and just plain mushy but I love my kids. As easy as my third birth was, something in me changed a little. It's not that I didn't appreciate my children before but I am constantly thinking about how blessed I am. Maybe I felt my mortality a little bit. There isn't a single time I touch my children that I'm not thankful that I have them. I am so lucky to get to be a part of their lives. I am so blessed that everyday I get to look at their excited faces, kiss their cheeks and hold their little hands. I'm so joyful that I get to be their mother that it brings tears to my eyes. I can't even find words that fully express how I feel about them. Sometimes it's hard not to dwell and just live in the moment.

I love to watch them play and hear what they have to say. Dallas is just starting to converse and some words he has down very well. Just yesterday he clearly said his first three syllable word Papaya. He repeats most anything you say but cautiously in a quite growl. He and Robin communicate well together though. They have something between them that I can never be part of and it is so special. I really want to foster that for them. Robin is going through a tough time right now, changing from a toddler to a kid. Part of him wants to stay a baby but part of him wants to grow up too. It's sad to watch sometimes. Once you grow up you can't really go back. When I can see he is conflicted I tell him no matter how big he gets he will always be my baby. He has started to tell me that when he is feeling the pressure to be big but wants to be little. I can see it really helps him.
He is turning into such a thoughtful boy. He went through a selfish phase for a while, not wanting to share and what not but he's coming around. Today he saved half his cookie for his friend. If I make him cookies he gets so excited, they are really special to him. It took a lot of self control to not eat the whole thing, it was the last cookie after all. In the car on the way home from Seattle Dallas woke up crying and Robin passed him his snack cup. I had just given it to Robin not five minutes before because he told me he was hungry. I asked him where his cup was and he told me "I gave it to my brother because he was hungry too and I want to take care of everyone." I was so proud to hear that. He said it with such concern. (I found him the other snack cup too)

Although I'm excited to get to watch them grow and I know they need space to do that, part of me fears that I will someday lose them. That has to be my biggest fear, losing them in some way. I have worried that as they get older I might do something to drive them away but then I realize that the very act of worrying about it helps shape the future so that history won't repeat it's self. Doug and I as parents put thought behind everything we do. We don't subscribe to the school of thought of "That's just what you do." We have heard that a lot in the past from family as an excuse for doing this or that "That's just what people did." I believe in following your heart but there is no excuse for a "No brainer" in my book. At anytime if I let my guard down and try to connect with our extended families it's usually because I have wondered if our parents might feel the same way I do about my kids, but all I find at the end of that road is disappointment.