Fear and worry: The despair squid

12:20 AM Edit This 1 Comment »
I seems that just when I think I'm over this flu/cold/bug it comes back. Today I don't know what happened, I just couldn't stay awake. Doug was home sick too. He was really bad last night through early afternoon, then was able to sit downstairs with the kids while I went up to nap in the evening. While doug was still in bed, he told me he was scared. I asked of what? Being sick, not getting better, death? He said he didn't know, just scared. Right now, it hit me. I'm scared too but I feel scared of everything. He went to bed so I don't have anyone else to tell.

Anyone remember the despair squid on Red Dwarf? I would imagine that this is what is feels like. Suddenly I feel so afraid. I'm scared of what people think of me. I'm worried my relatives don't think I'm worthy. I'm worried I'm ruining my kids. I fear my kids will grow up and leave me all alone. I'm worried about money, not handling it well, not having enough. I'm worried about making the wrong choice in housing or wrong choice in state. I worry we aren't putting enough effort in to the animals, building new goat fencing, getting chickens again, scrubbing out the litter boxes. I fear I might never get caught up on the laundry again. I'm afraid of failing. I had a career once, did I fail that too? Someday the kids will be grown and I will have to find something to do with myself, what then? What if I died? How would they get along without me? What if Doug and I both died? Would my children find happiness again? I feel overwhelming despair. I'm going to list this out and work through it.

What people think: Why does it matter? It just does. Doesn't it? I guess is doesn't really. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and I doubt anyone is going to tell me theirs unless I ask and I just won't. It's when I get to hear opinions I didn't ask for, I'm always so stunned by such things, I don't have comeback ready. I guess there's just nothing I can do about it anyway, I am who I am and mostly, I'm happy with that.

Worried about what relatives think: I suppose I have to refer to the previous conclusion. What can I do about it anyway. I probably spend way too much time worrying about it. I may or may not live up to expectations what ever those may be. I can love them regardless. if they choose to love me or not is not my business.

Ruining my kids: I bet anyone who puts any thought into parenting worries about this. Is there anyone who had a perfect childhood? All I can do is try my best and hope it all works out. I guess they are suppose to grow up and leave though, aren't they? What I really mean is I worry as adults they won't like me. I see people who have had parents who were their friends and people who had parents that were removed and not really their friends and both aspect have issues. Which really works best? Is there a good combination of both? How to raise a child fears aren't going to go away and really can't fit in one page even. I'm not even going to try to fix this one today.

Money: Who doesn't worry about money. We are ok. I wish we didn't have any debt. I also wish we had a better home loan. I don't know why it scares me so much, we should just do it. We should refinance but we are both dragging out feet on it. Last time we got burned badly on the fees and costs but didn't walk away and should have. It's daunting.

Housing: We need more room, really we do. There are plans we like to build a new house added on here. I'm the one holding us back on this one. I don't want to lose what we have on a risk for something more. I'm too scared to take the leap. The economy isn't great right now. We can afford the mortgage we have on unemployment if we had to. If we added on a second mortgage, actually we would need a new building loan, we couldn't anymore. I was thinking maybe we should just pay off the house first but if we do that would we really want to mortgage it out again or just make due? What about moving all together? getting land again would be next to impossible. The price has gone up too much. We would need to look out of state for land. Could I leave this house where I gave birth to my children? I guess we need to work on more storage options and getting rid of stuff.

Animals: They are all fine and alive. We seem to have fertility problems with our goats. We feed them local grass that has been tested dairy quality but it's not alfalfa. I think we need to have more mineral supplementation. I have bought all they need but Doug doesn't remember to give it to them regularly and I have a hard time getting out there to do it. This is where I mean more effort is needed. We won't have any milk or kids this year. The mean old buck kicked the bucket too so we might not have any kids next year either. We need to buy a buck, a young buck. If anyone has one for sale please let me know. Raccoons killed every last duck and chicken last year. it was decided to take a year off and just buy eggs. I'll be ok until next year and we can build our new safely enclosed chicken houses this fall. Litter boxes stink, they just do. We are committed to changing and cleaning every cage and box at the season change so I just need to be patient.

Laundry: It's true I probably will never catch up. Right now I have the problem of size changes. Both Warren and Dallas are between sizes, moving up but still fitting some of the smaller size. Dallas has been borrowing Robin's clothes a lot. Some how we don't seem to have any pants that fit Dallas right now. Robin was using the toilet all the time at this size. Dallas will use the toilet as long as he doesn't have clothes on. With clothes he needs a diaper but the pants we have in his size don't fit over the diaper. We don't have space to store all these clothes we have either but I have found a lack of time to shop for clothes now. We used to shop thrift stores all the time, I don't know how we fit it in, now I can't find the time for it. I can't just get rid of what doesn't fit and buy more when the next kid gets there. If I could find the table I could sew him some new pants from some old clothes. That would clear some room in the adult closet as well.

Career: Oh well. Maybe I can go to college with the kids. I loved college. I don't know what I will do. I can't let myself worry about it now, I need to live in the moment. Who knows what there will be a demand for then.

What if I died: I have life insurance and with it Doug would try to get the kids into a school like The Attic or another private school that will encourage free thinking and individuality. They will not go to public school.

What if we both died: I can't even imagine what their lives would be like without us. I can't, I just can't. Holly and Abel Rosas are to have our kids. The kids are very comfortable there and I know they would be loved. I'm not saying this in passing, I'm serious. If something were to happen to both Doug and I we want Holly to have our kids. If anyone wants to get in line for them, let me know.

What about the animals? I don't know. The kids love their pets so very much but I don't know where they would end up. Jannelle would take Uma, that's really all I have worked out. I would have to leave that up to Holly what she thought she could handle since the animals would belong to the kids. This is a depressing subject. I can only plan for it so much. I really don't know how to. Well, my head hurts now.

I just looked in on the sleeping kids and I feel happiness again. They just keep on growing. They all look so much a like and so very different at the same time. They look happy, not a care in the world. I hope they stay that way.


Doug Messick said...

You put that all so excellently. Although difficult to think about and to work through, I have to agree with you 100% on what to do with the kids in the event that one or both of us were no longer here to raise them. Well said.