Blank Ultrasound

7:18 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I have had 5 previous losses, 4 before my first live birth and one before my second. I have a genetic transposition in my DNA which should only affect 1 on 4 pregnancies very early on. Clearly that's not my track record.

I got a positive pregnancy test on January 15th and after five days of pregnant bliss, I started bleeding and believed I miscarried the baby. You would think I would be able to postpone getting so attached so early since 4 of my losses were in the 5th week.

I bled for 5 days, which is longer than usual for me. One week later I was still having pregnancy symptoms so I bought another three pack of pregnancy tests. Not only were they positive but they were consecutively darker with each passing day. I had thought I had lost the baby but it was looking like that wasn't actually the case. I had read all over the place about people getting a period when they were first pregnant and was so excited to find out that I hadn't lost my baby after all.

I had a week to fall in love with this baby again, and then I started spotting in my 8th wk. It wasn't enough to fill a pad of anything, just some brownish red on the toilet paper when I wiped. It happened once a day three days in a row. I tried so hard to stay calm, many people have spotting during the first trimester, it's not always a miscarriage. I called the midwife and we scheduled a ultrasound.

The ultrasound was today and as my 3 year old, Robin said, Mama cried because her insides were dark. I knew right away she wasn't finding what we were looking for. I kept asking questions and she kept avoiding answers.

I didn't expect this, I really thought we were still pregnant. I just can't stop crying. I feel such guilt, and shame. My body betrayed me. How could I not know? I feel like I can't explain to my son why I am crying, he isn't ready to understand but he knows what made me cry. He said to me "Mama you cried because your insides were dark" My younger son is only 9 mo and I have already heard from a friend that I was crazy for getting pregnant with one so young already. I really don't want to hear it was for the best, wasn't meant to be, isn't time yet or any of the other things I have heard from people in the past. That really makes it so much worse for me. I can't handle it. I have two kids and I know I'm suppose to just feel glad I have them. I can't be hysterical, I can't have all these feeling I have, I can't fall apart, I have a family that needs me. I can't be ok either, I can' barely see through my tears.