Just falling from my head...

Robin spends a lot of time with his head on the ground and his naked butt in the air. I really don't know why but he does and he always finds it funny. Today Doug said there was a wild animal in the house and I said "Is it a Buttasauras?" Robin asnwered "No! I'm a BUTTerfly!" How creative is that? What a smart kid!

This was Dallas' first time riding in a cart. Really loved it.

Thirteen Things things about Misty I like animals I have owned snakes twice as long as I am tall I love rats too I have had four pet birds in my life time, one is still with us I don't believe in euthanasia I buy the best food I can for my pets and read their food labels just as critically as my own. I learned the hard way that sheep need selenium :( I really want a Doberman. I had a pure bred dog once, a Jack Russel Terrier but my mom took him to the pound for attacking a vicious stray cat. (The cat had attacked me the night before) I have never had a pure bred cat that I know of. Bettas make my world go round, I have 4 males and 1 female Guppies, even feeder guppies entertain me. I can talk to animals, not really they understand me and mostly, I can understand them too.

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We are completely broke and the van had more gas than the neon so we went down with Doug to work today and continued to the zoo. The trip started out perfect. I let Robin lead the way and he showed me that we can make really big tea with the wood chips, that if I climb the spider web and he runs away to the tunnel it makes me small like a spider, that the rope to stand behind at the gorilla exhibit only applies to adults.



We had a really good time at the gorillas. There's a mother gorilla with a baby who was born in October and the baby stays with the mother all the time. Today he walked/crawled away to go see Robin and the people who stand and take notes on the baby were so excite the baby walked three feet away from her. Dallas was really into the gorillas too until more kids came to see then he though they were there to watch him and he got all excited! We had hard boiled eggs for lunch while walking in the zoo. Let me tell you there are not enough garbage cans around that place to walk and eat. We stopped for a pose in the duck exhibit.


We ventured to the zoomasium so Dallas could get down and play too. Everyone was having a really good time. Dallas found the log tunnel thought it was so cool!


Shortly after this things went severely down hill. Robin wanted some toy on the curators desk. She stepped away and he took it. I explained that we can't take things with out asking and he needed to put it back and he yelled NO! and took off running. I had to leave Dallas in the toddler area alone and chase down Robin before he got too far into the big kids tunnel. I took away the toy and put it back where he grabbed it from and told him that Dallas and I really wanted to play and we had all stopped to watch the snort when he wanted to and we all went back to see the gorillas when he wanted to but it was his turn to be patient and try someone else idea. I can clearly see how radical unschooling would be so much easier with only one child. Maybe I just don't get it but I had to tell him no, it was Dallas' turn to have fun too. I held on to Robin until he stopped hitting me and he decided that he did want to go play in the under three area and we went back in.

There was a puppet show starting at 3:30 and so we left the toddler area and went to go see the stage. Robin didn't want to sit in the crowd so we went to the back where there were some puzzles to do and Robin and Dallas each had one to play with. Robin finished one and moved on to a different one and another kid, close in age, came up and started to play with the abandoned puzzle. Robin went over and tried to take it from him, he tried to push Robin way by sticking his hands on Robin's mouth and eyes and so, I guess the temptation was too much, robin grabbed his hand and bit it. His mother was understandable horrified. I felt to bad. I was actually nursing Robin at the time and couldn't get to the other side of the table to catch Robin. He knew he did wrong and started to run. When I caught up to him he fell to the floor and yelled "Mama be nice to me!" I said under the circumstances I think I'm being very reasonable (as I was dragging him to the bathroom (potty break before the car) I told him the little boy was really hurt and we never bite people. It was really mean to do and he needed to use words first. I pretty much freaked out and went into lecture mode. I asked him if he was sorry he made the little boy hurt and cry and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to tell him he was sorry, he said yes. I pointed out the little boy who at the sight of Robin shrunk back into his mothers arms as if a dinosaur was back to finish him off. Robin didn't say anything, he just stared.

I put him in the stroller and we left. When we got outside he said "I don't want to go Mama." (in the most demanding voice possible) and I quietly told him I felt like crying. He started yelling at me "NO, Don't Cry." I told him I felt bad for the little boy that he still hurt (he was still crying when we left). He said he didn't want to leave, he wanted to walk, he wanted to play. I told him because he hurt someone he lost his choice today and we were leaving. I told him that he was in trouble, and that meant he didn't get to choose what were were doing now. Dallas was very tired and fell asleep when he first sat in the stroller.

By the time we made it to the car Robin had calmed down and was asking to go back and play with his friend more. That little boy was the only one he had played with.
I loaded the car and took Robin out last. I asked him what happened and he said his friend tried to shut his mouth so he bit him. I said "that must have been frustrating to have him try and shut your mouth" He said yes it was. I asked him if it made him feel better to bit him, he said no. I asked him if he would have liked to use words instead and he said yes. I said "you know what you could have said? You could have told him to get back. Next time tell him to get away if someone tries to hurt you, ok? He said ok and gave me a hug. As I was taking of his shoes he said "I love you Mama" I said "I love you to Robin, I love you always"

He has a temper. He has a hard time stopping himself right now. He's going through another developmental leap, I can tell by now. His vocabulary is booming but he can't find the words he wants to use as fast as he needs them when he is mad. I failed him. I didn't wait until he calmed down to talk about it. He felt threatened by the boy and I took the boys side because in my eyes the punishment didn't fit the crime. I can see Robin's side of it even though he started it. Robin only had a hold of the puzzle, the boy made it personal. Honestly if someone had shoved there hands on my face and near my mouth I might have bitten them too. It was too hard to stand by him when he really needed me. I feel terrible. I hope I didn't scar him for life. I want him to know he can count on me to be on his side. Thankfully he seems to have forgiven me.

Just now he came downstairs, he is suppose to be going to sleep with Doug and he asked me to pick him up. We turned towards the mirror and he said "Mama, we're cute."

Robin had a neat unschooly moment today. When I was making the guacamole I had brought the salt out and set it on the counter. I decided I didn't really want to use table salt and grabbed the kosher salt instead and forgot all about the table salt. Robin grabbed it when I wasn't paying attention and took ot to his kitchen to cook. He got out the funnel and filled his pitcher with the whole can. He sprinkled it on his play food then poured it into his pan and soon brought me a big bowl of wooden food and salt. He ran to get me a spoon and waited to see if I was going to really eat it or just pretend to eat it. I pretended and he let out a big sigh and told me how he didn't like salt so much. I told him when I cook I only use a little bit because I don't like a lot of salt either but just a little is nice because it brings out the flavor.

It was a pretty walk today. I wore my reflective vest for the first time and even Robin thought it was funny looking and told me to take it off. The speed limit on the route I walk is 50mph in some places with no sidewalk so it really is necessary.

Dallas fell alseep right away and Robin fell alseep about half an hour in. We were out for about two and a half hours. That's not much longer than usual. I did stop to talk to a neighbor about buying a hay bale. That took about 20 min longer than I had planned.

The swans looked a lot closer in person than this photo. The mountains seem closer too.
I made it home just before it became completely dark. It's strange how different times of day means different kinds of drivers. The closer to dusk the crazier they are. I also found that if you are on the side of the road, walking wearing a reflective vest and pushing a stroller, don't pull off to answer your cell phone, three cars seemed to try to hit me even though I was in the gravel.

Robin woke in a great mood, Dallas was happy too. We came inside to start dinner. Robin helped cut up the veggies with his lettuce knife and we made a beautiful soup.

I was reheating my leftover rice and beans for lunch and listening to Martha Stewart Radio. They mentioned the phone number ot call and ask Martha a question and I got on! I thought it would be a long shot, I really didn't think I would get on the air. They took my question, I was shocked!! I asked if it was ok to combine the kids birthday parties even though it's Dallas' first. I had thought it would be ok until Doug asked me "isnt' the first birthday a really big deal?" I kinda feel every birthday is a big deal but it planted a seed of doubt.

So she gets on the line and like an idiot I said "Hello?" Anyway, she said it's perfectly ok to combine the parties as long as I have two cakes, two presents etc. until the time they complain then I should throw separate parties. I talked to Martha. I talked to Martha!! Wow I TALKED TO MARTHA!!!!! I'm such a geek ;)

She's on Sirius Radio 112 Tuesdays at 1 pm and I know the show repeats on the weekend if you want to check it out.

Today went really well. We made it to Gleaners before they closed and Robin go tto pick out some potatoes he wanted to cut up for dinner. Doug dropped the kids and I off that the senior center for playgroup before heading to Co-op to continue working.

I worried now one would show up but as we were starting to pack up to leave Rachel showed up and finally Robin had a friend to play with (he was long tired of playing with Dallas and I). I had a good time talking to Rachel too. Dallas wanted to play with baby Jack, he's a little too small to play yet.

After playgroup I jogged the kids back to the co-op to meet Doug for a late lunch. I had a great salad while Dallas had a nap and Robin and Doug ran off to play.

We went to the feed store after eating and bought enough supplies to last until Friday. Money is really tight right now so we only got hay, alfalfa and rolled ration. We can feed most of the animals on that even if it's not what they all might prefer.

There was time left after the feed store to go for a run before sun down and Doug joined me too! We jogged and walked a trail through east MV. It was pretty and Robin got to take a nap. It was really a great day.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Today although I woke after a nightmare, I didn't wake up depressed. The morning has been the hardest time for me. Today I am taking the kids to the zoo. I better get on it now.

I'm doing better now. I decided I wasn't ready to go out and chat about the weather yet. I'm going to take the kids for a run instead. I need a place to vent my feelings but I also don't want to give the impression that I'm just down all the time. I'm really not.

Dallas is teething and didn't sleep well last night. Most importantly he didn't want me to sleep. He would have his eyes closed and be fussing holding on to my ears pulling me close. Sounds sweet so far until you realize that if I started to doze off to sleep and my breathing changed at all he would pull my ears in opposite directions. He wanted me to go away so he would kick me in the chest but wanted to bite my cheek at the same time. He sat up at one point and headbutted me in the mouth and split my lip open. I tried to just roll over and give him some space but he kept reeling me in by pulling my hair. At 5:49 I finally called for help. He had been changed and fed, and fed, and fed but he kept biting my nipple. He wasn't going to be happy with me and I was going crazy with no sleep.

I called Doug to come and get him at 5:49am. Now, Doug was sleeping before midnight. Robin woke up as soon as Dallas went downstairs too. The phone rang at 11:45 and woke me up. Doug brought Dallas up to nurse and totally bitched me out about how Uma bird bit him and it's my fault for forcing him to interact with her since after all, I know she bites and I don't take her out of the cage without leather on. I was sleeping and he chose to try to take her out when he was mad at her for being loud. I don't know why that's my fault. Also I wouldn't have held her if I was sick and he has a very bad infection on his hand and just guess where she bit him and drew blood. Now it seems there is a chance he will get his wish to be bird free. He hasn't taken her out of the cage in nearly a year. I can't figure why he would risk it now when he's injured and now she has a real chance of getting very ill.

I feel such despair. I don't want to get out of bed today. I'm suppose to meet someone for coffee and just don't know if I can pull off normal today.

Thirteen Foods I wish I could still eat

1. Pizza with cheese
2. Toast with butter
3. Chicken McNuggets (gross I know)
4. Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa
5. Hungry Man Chicken TV dinners
6. Chunky Salisbury Steak from a can
7. Malt Chocolate Whoppers
8. Yohoo
9. Soft Pretzels
10. Any dessert from the Cheese Cake Factory
11. Ranch dressing
12. French bread
13. A Frosty from Wendy's

I can't leave it with only my deprivations, so I'm going to do two Thirteen Lists

Thirteen Foods I still love

1. Wylde Pretzels
2. Strawberry Banana Smoothie
3. Mexican restaurant rice and beans
4. homemade refried beans
5. Skippers Clam Chowder
6. Coconut Juice
7. Doug's pancakes
8. cornbread sticks
9. homemade chili
10. Beef ribs
11. pork ribs
12. beef bacon!!!
13. chia tea

Here's what happened: We planned to go to the Captain Bogg and Salty show at the Portland Children's Museum. I checked the website on the Wednesday before to check the show times and didn't see anything about needing tickets. Thursday was Valentines day and I didn't even use my computer. Friday, well you probably read about the miscarriage already, needless to I was a little preoccupied on Friday and Saturday actually. On Sunday I tried to rejoin the land of the living and I had been holding on to the idea of a trip on Monday to lift my spirits and help me pretend everything was ok. I was really looking forward to the concert at this point and checked my wallet for my museum membership card, since I never have to show it at home, to find it expired on Sunday the 17th and the concert was on Monday the 18th. I had to spend $100 to renew right away ($100) so we could get into the show in Portland. I double checked the eatalime website Sunday night and saw that there were ticket required for the concert but museum was long closed but this hour. By the time I got to bed, I was only allowed 3 hour before we needed to be up to leave in the morning. We left around 6am to head to Portland.

The trip is 5 hrs long. Doug was driving and got pulled over on the way down and incurred a speeding ticket ($128). We finally arrived at the museum and spent half an hour looking for parking. When we finally got into the museum I was told the concerts sold out on Friday and we were just out of luck. NO SHIT! That really explains it all for me. I seem to be out of luck. I cried, I just turned around was walked out of the door. Doug and Robin had ran back to the car to get a banana so I met him there and told him about it. We were both very glad that we didn't hype the concert to robin and waited for it to be a surprise to him, he didn't have to experience the disappointment I did. It was just too much for me. I really wanted to forget myself in happy kids bouncing along to music. Maybe it's for the best that we couldn't go to the concert.

Actually at the pirate festival I had an embarrassing moment childbearing related. We have gotten pictures with robin and the band members for Robin's memory book, Dallas' too now and we were waiting for a photo with the Drummer (Robin pretends he's Ramshackle more often than any other member)and his wife and kids came up and were talking to him. I just blanked out, I don't even know how many kids he has or really how many kids were standing there, I only know I had a daydream of what life would have been like if I hadn't lost out first baby. He would have been around 4, probably about the age of the little kid standing in front of me. I remember thinking we probably would have had three kids by then. I felt like crying. I don't remember thinking that before and I was profoundly sad. Suddenly I was snapped back to the reality of my body with Dave standing there looking a me with a "what the hell do you want" look on his face. It took me a split second to figure out where I was and what I was doing. I wanted to run away and hide. That moment has haunted me for some reason, not the realization of loss but the fact that someone I don't really know but who I will see again thinks I'm some lunatic at best. (Did I also mention that the Pirate Festival happened to fall on the last day of my two week trip alone with the kids that involved a total of 5 airplanes the need to fly in to Portland from Sacramento and I had not slept in 36 hrs on day one of the festival and only had 6 hrs the night before day two? I'm sure I looked like a zombie since I certainly felt like one, honestly I probably scared him)

Anyway, we went to the zoo first and decided it would cause less trauma for Robin if he never heard the concert he couldn't attend. The zoo was ok, it was pretty busy there too. We went last year, yes you guessed it; for a CB&S concert and not much had changed. Last time we didn't ride the train and this time we did, Robin really liked it but it was quite cold and I ended up nursing both kids while they were huddled under the podegi for warmth.

At 3:30 we figure it was likely safe to go to the children's museum so we walked across the parking lot to with the promise to Robin that he could soon run wild. And run wild he did. You'll notice that in the photo Dallas is holding still watching Robin moving so fast he's just a blur!

I have decided to start a work-out program. I can't afford a health club right now, not with the childcare cost too so I'm going to try an old favorite of mine, Richard Simmons videos. I want to order some as soon as I can. The plan is this, take the LDC monitor I currently have down to the fire hall and try a work out there. If the screen isn't too small, I plan to put a sign outside listing a time to meet for a Richard Simmons work out on the assumption that if you build it they will come.

I'm going to be calling on my previous experience as a personal trainer for this. Do you think $40 for a twelve week course sounds ok? If I can get 10 people signed up that would give me enough money to purchase a projection system and screen for the video. Now this isn't a money making venture I just hope to almost break even.

I need to keep my mind busy and if I wait until next Thursday I will probably forget again.

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Doing a little better

12:25 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

So far today, I have not cried yet. Doug took the kids downstairs and I slept in. I'm deeply sad but oddly blank. It's as if my emotions are turned off today. I didn't try, I just woke up this way. Oh, I remember what this is called. Depression. I really want to hurt myself. I want to smoke a pack of winstons. I want to get sloppy ass drunk and mix my liquors. I want to run. Run until my legs go numb and my lungs burn. I'm thinking I'll look into one of those boot camp fitness programs, that sounds like punishment. I want to jump off the deepend but I can't really swim, maybe that's whats appealing about it.

Blank Ultrasound

7:18 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

I have had 5 previous losses, 4 before my first live birth and one before my second. I have a genetic transposition in my DNA which should only affect 1 on 4 pregnancies very early on. Clearly that's not my track record.

I got a positive pregnancy test on January 15th and after five days of pregnant bliss, I started bleeding and believed I miscarried the baby. You would think I would be able to postpone getting so attached so early since 4 of my losses were in the 5th week.

I bled for 5 days, which is longer than usual for me. One week later I was still having pregnancy symptoms so I bought another three pack of pregnancy tests. Not only were they positive but they were consecutively darker with each passing day. I had thought I had lost the baby but it was looking like that wasn't actually the case. I had read all over the place about people getting a period when they were first pregnant and was so excited to find out that I hadn't lost my baby after all.

I had a week to fall in love with this baby again, and then I started spotting in my 8th wk. It wasn't enough to fill a pad of anything, just some brownish red on the toilet paper when I wiped. It happened once a day three days in a row. I tried so hard to stay calm, many people have spotting during the first trimester, it's not always a miscarriage. I called the midwife and we scheduled a ultrasound.

The ultrasound was today and as my 3 year old, Robin said, Mama cried because her insides were dark. I knew right away she wasn't finding what we were looking for. I kept asking questions and she kept avoiding answers.

I didn't expect this, I really thought we were still pregnant. I just can't stop crying. I feel such guilt, and shame. My body betrayed me. How could I not know? I feel like I can't explain to my son why I am crying, he isn't ready to understand but he knows what made me cry. He said to me "Mama you cried because your insides were dark" My younger son is only 9 mo and I have already heard from a friend that I was crazy for getting pregnant with one so young already. I really don't want to hear it was for the best, wasn't meant to be, isn't time yet or any of the other things I have heard from people in the past. That really makes it so much worse for me. I can't handle it. I have two kids and I know I'm suppose to just feel glad I have them. I can't be hysterical, I can't have all these feeling I have, I can't fall apart, I have a family that needs me. I can't be ok either, I can' barely see through my tears.

My favorite super bowl commercial

5:03 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

I had to rewind and watch this twice it was so funny.

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Thirteen Things about Misty 1. I like the colors purple and orange, but not always together. 2. I always wish I had more pets. Too many are homeless. 3. I have not had a hair cut in 4 years and the last time it was cut as short as my shoulders was 23 years ago. 4. I don't eat soy, dairy or wheat. I do eat meat. 5. I would wear makeup if I could find any that seemed safe enough. I check everything through skin deep. 6. I love balloons. 7. I hate movies that make me cry. 8. I love to sew but fear making mistakes. 9. I don't really know my siblings. 10. I try to think positive but wasn't raised that way so it is a struggle. 11. I love houseplants but have a hard time keeping them alive. 12. My parrot Uma is often grumpy because she wants Doug to be her primary human adn it makes me so sad because I wanted her to love me so badly. After 9 yrs, she did honestly tell me she loves me just last night. 13. I'm forgetful and probably won't remember it's Thursday until Saturday comes again.