Just falling from my head...

Today has been a crappy day. Robin woke up early, before I was willing to get up and he woke me up every 15 minutes for the next 2 hrs but I was able to stay in good humor. The trouble started when I heard a car in the driveway. It was the same guy who always comes to leave us a pamphlet called The Watch Tower I called out the window to the man on his way to my door asking him to leave his literature on the table in the yard. I didn't want the dogs to get excited before they had been out to potty. I didn't hear them freaking out, but maybe they had.

When I came down after he had left, the kitchen floor was covered in urine. I got towels so mop it up, sprayed enzyme cleaner on it, walked to out of the room to get some gloves on and came back to Dallas slipping in a puddle of cleaner. He needed a quick shower to clean him off then I go back to cleaning it up.

I opened the door to let the dogs out now that they wouldn't be splashing through pee and find a dead baby red breasted robin and 3 rodents in various stages of being consumed, all involving entrails on the mat. The kids are used to seeing rodent parts by now but I know I have to dive out to get that baby bird before Robin sees it and we start in on a day of "Why did the bird have to die?" "Where/what is he now?" "How can we save the next bird?" It makes for a trying day because no possible answer will bring back the dead creature and that's what he really wants.

I let the dogs back in and by now the children have all been very patient but are very hungry so I go to get the milk from the fridge and almost step in a fresh bit of dog poop. I though animals didn't poop where they sleep. Everyone knows that right? Not my dogs. I don't know if it was Pokey or Junior but that the heavens it wasn't Titus. Clean that up and back to breakfast.

Fast forward two hours and I hear a goat yelling. I go outside and can see them down in the woods, not in a fenced area. The yelling is Kay Kay. She has horns so probably doesn't fit through the hole the others escaped from. I have to go to science group but can't because I now have to find a way to get the goats back in the yard because if they wander into the neighbors yard we might get a visit from the cops for having livestock at large or they might just shoot them, either is as strong a possibility. I come back inside to ponder my next step and slip in a puddle of....you guessed it....dog piss.

I'm going to give up now. I'm calling it a day. I'm not leaving the house, just going to watch to make sure the goats don't leave. They won't come to me, they know they are getting the greener brush on the other side of the fence right now. As long as they don't leave or eat my fruit trees, and the kids are still happy as they have been all day, I'm going to just go with the flow even if it's only a trickle.

This year Papa got the platinum edition of Arbans Method for the Trumpet, the trumpet bible so to speak. Here he is playing with Robin. Robin can buzz a mouth peice pretty well.


Robin gets a turn to play the horn.



A trumpet mouth peice no longer needs to be a unitasker since Dallas' discovery of it's handiness as a banana holder.

On the way downstairs this morning, I asked Robin what he would like for breakfast, either flakes (bagged cereal) or oats (cooked steel cut). He said "I've been thinking about this Mama, and I want junk food for breakfast today." "Junk food?" I ask. "Yes, flakes." he replies. "You know why I call it junk food? Because Papa gives it to us and it's just fast. It's the good kind of junk and it's ok ya know?" "Ok then, junk food it is. Do you want raisins or blueberries on your junk food?" "Both!" he joyfully answers.

Maybe I'm the only one who didn't know this before but having eagles in your yard isn't always a good thing. They can and do carry off cats and dogs and other small animals. Today while making lunch, Doug say an eagle swoop down into our yard and land it a tree. We have 8 cats out there and Junior (yorkie mix) was out in the yard too. It didn't move on so we ran out to scare it away. Doug beat me around the corner and started clapping to scare the eagle away. As he took off over the shed, Raven called out from across the yard, then 7 ravens took off out of the cherry tree. These are very large birds, not to be confused with crows in the slightest. We stood there for a minute, a little stunned wondering what we just interrupted when our Raven, the one that says good morning to me, the one that kept the hawks away from the chickens came swooping down over our heads calling out again. We said hello and then he was gone. Yep, Raven has our back.

This week I decided to try diapers a different way. Instead of washing every two-three nights and folding the next day I washed everyday and decided to put them away once a week. I just don't know if this will work out. It's true I didn't feel behind since I planned on folding at the end of the week and I still felt accomplished since I washed them every night. It's the folding that got me. I had to fold a day early because I was just out of diapers, but Burn notice and Royal Pains were on the DVR so I had something to watch. I'm just about half was through the third and final bag and needed to sit and have a break.

I am trying a different way of tackling the regular laundry too. It seems to be working well so far. Previously I sorted laundry by colors, darks and whites with bath towels and napkin/household towels separate. I was always behind on folding. I really hate that. Now the bins have been relabeled Mama, Papa and Kids. This has made it much easier because, maybe it's no big surprise, but most of the dirty laundry is generated by Doug. He wears at least two outfits every day, some days a couple more. The kids laundry has gotten a little easier since it's been hot they haven't wanted clothes. The plan was wash one load a day but I have not been able to do that and it has worked out fine. I just have to keep on top of Doug's laundry. There have been a few accidents lately such as a bathroom flooding as well as a child who takes his diaper off in his sleep that have kept the laundry busy with sheets and bath towels. Anyway, I think this might work out fine if I could only get these diapers finished. I'll put on a movie next time to help pass the time better....

I seems that just when I think I'm over this flu/cold/bug it comes back. Today I don't know what happened, I just couldn't stay awake. Doug was home sick too. He was really bad last night through early afternoon, then was able to sit downstairs with the kids while I went up to nap in the evening. While doug was still in bed, he told me he was scared. I asked of what? Being sick, not getting better, death? He said he didn't know, just scared. Right now, it hit me. I'm scared too but I feel scared of everything. He went to bed so I don't have anyone else to tell.

Anyone remember the despair squid on Red Dwarf? I would imagine that this is what is feels like. Suddenly I feel so afraid. I'm scared of what people think of me. I'm worried my relatives don't think I'm worthy. I'm worried I'm ruining my kids. I fear my kids will grow up and leave me all alone. I'm worried about money, not handling it well, not having enough. I'm worried about making the wrong choice in housing or wrong choice in state. I worry we aren't putting enough effort in to the animals, building new goat fencing, getting chickens again, scrubbing out the litter boxes. I fear I might never get caught up on the laundry again. I'm afraid of failing. I had a career once, did I fail that too? Someday the kids will be grown and I will have to find something to do with myself, what then? What if I died? How would they get along without me? What if Doug and I both died? Would my children find happiness again? I feel overwhelming despair. I'm going to list this out and work through it.

What people think: Why does it matter? It just does. Doesn't it? I guess is doesn't really. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and I doubt anyone is going to tell me theirs unless I ask and I just won't. It's when I get to hear opinions I didn't ask for, I'm always so stunned by such things, I don't have comeback ready. I guess there's just nothing I can do about it anyway, I am who I am and mostly, I'm happy with that.

Worried about what relatives think: I suppose I have to refer to the previous conclusion. What can I do about it anyway. I probably spend way too much time worrying about it. I may or may not live up to expectations what ever those may be. I can love them regardless. if they choose to love me or not is not my business.

Ruining my kids: I bet anyone who puts any thought into parenting worries about this. Is there anyone who had a perfect childhood? All I can do is try my best and hope it all works out. I guess they are suppose to grow up and leave though, aren't they? What I really mean is I worry as adults they won't like me. I see people who have had parents who were their friends and people who had parents that were removed and not really their friends and both aspect have issues. Which really works best? Is there a good combination of both? How to raise a child fears aren't going to go away and really can't fit in one page even. I'm not even going to try to fix this one today.

Money: Who doesn't worry about money. We are ok. I wish we didn't have any debt. I also wish we had a better home loan. I don't know why it scares me so much, we should just do it. We should refinance but we are both dragging out feet on it. Last time we got burned badly on the fees and costs but didn't walk away and should have. It's daunting.

Housing: We need more room, really we do. There are plans we like to build a new house added on here. I'm the one holding us back on this one. I don't want to lose what we have on a risk for something more. I'm too scared to take the leap. The economy isn't great right now. We can afford the mortgage we have on unemployment if we had to. If we added on a second mortgage, actually we would need a new building loan, we couldn't anymore. I was thinking maybe we should just pay off the house first but if we do that would we really want to mortgage it out again or just make due? What about moving all together? getting land again would be next to impossible. The price has gone up too much. We would need to look out of state for land. Could I leave this house where I gave birth to my children? I guess we need to work on more storage options and getting rid of stuff.

Animals: They are all fine and alive. We seem to have fertility problems with our goats. We feed them local grass that has been tested dairy quality but it's not alfalfa. I think we need to have more mineral supplementation. I have bought all they need but Doug doesn't remember to give it to them regularly and I have a hard time getting out there to do it. This is where I mean more effort is needed. We won't have any milk or kids this year. The mean old buck kicked the bucket too so we might not have any kids next year either. We need to buy a buck, a young buck. If anyone has one for sale please let me know. Raccoons killed every last duck and chicken last year. it was decided to take a year off and just buy eggs. I'll be ok until next year and we can build our new safely enclosed chicken houses this fall. Litter boxes stink, they just do. We are committed to changing and cleaning every cage and box at the season change so I just need to be patient.

Laundry: It's true I probably will never catch up. Right now I have the problem of size changes. Both Warren and Dallas are between sizes, moving up but still fitting some of the smaller size. Dallas has been borrowing Robin's clothes a lot. Some how we don't seem to have any pants that fit Dallas right now. Robin was using the toilet all the time at this size. Dallas will use the toilet as long as he doesn't have clothes on. With clothes he needs a diaper but the pants we have in his size don't fit over the diaper. We don't have space to store all these clothes we have either but I have found a lack of time to shop for clothes now. We used to shop thrift stores all the time, I don't know how we fit it in, now I can't find the time for it. I can't just get rid of what doesn't fit and buy more when the next kid gets there. If I could find the table I could sew him some new pants from some old clothes. That would clear some room in the adult closet as well.

Career: Oh well. Maybe I can go to college with the kids. I loved college. I don't know what I will do. I can't let myself worry about it now, I need to live in the moment. Who knows what there will be a demand for then.

What if I died: I have life insurance and with it Doug would try to get the kids into a school like The Attic or another private school that will encourage free thinking and individuality. They will not go to public school.

What if we both died: I can't even imagine what their lives would be like without us. I can't, I just can't. Holly and Abel Rosas are to have our kids. The kids are very comfortable there and I know they would be loved. I'm not saying this in passing, I'm serious. If something were to happen to both Doug and I we want Holly to have our kids. If anyone wants to get in line for them, let me know.

What about the animals? I don't know. The kids love their pets so very much but I don't know where they would end up. Jannelle would take Uma, that's really all I have worked out. I would have to leave that up to Holly what she thought she could handle since the animals would belong to the kids. This is a depressing subject. I can only plan for it so much. I really don't know how to. Well, my head hurts now.

I just looked in on the sleeping kids and I feel happiness again. They just keep on growing. They all look so much a like and so very different at the same time. They look happy, not a care in the world. I hope they stay that way.

Back in the day, before we started eating "healthy" we would buy Little Debbie Nutty Bars all the time. They were a payday treat we would buy if we had a couple bucks left over when we were at our poorest.

After stopping soy for even a month, we couldn't stand the mouth feel of the waxy "chocolate like" substance not to mention the body aches afterwards. They might as well call them flavored plastic. There was a time when they tasted great though.....



Today I had my first fluffernutter. It's a sandwich made with Marshmallow Fluff and nut butter. It was life changing. It tasted just like my memory of a Nutty Bar, just like they should taste. Happiness just flooded over me.

It has been hard to find/make treats that don't contain dairy, soy or gluten and taste like their off limits counter parts. I have found new treats to love and made some wonderful new recipes too but it was amazing to taste this fabulous treat that, to me anyway, tasted so much like my memory of earlier years. Here's how I made them: toasted gluten free Food For Life Pecan Raisin Bread, Natural Crunch Sunbutter (sunflower seed spread) and a thin layer of Marshmallow Fluff, no bread on top. Yummy!

Now for the sad part. My tub of Marshmallow fluff is almost gone. I puzzled over what to do next. Beg family back east to mail me some fluff? Ask a friend who's taking a trip out of state to pick some up for me? Search Amazon?? Yes, I figured I should search Amazon first. Although Amazon gets at very least monthly purchases from me, sometime weekly even, they did not offer the best deal, in fact, they only broker a 4 pack that is half original and half strawberry in smaller jars. I don't have any interest in the strawberry flavored kind so I decided to go straight to the source - www.marshmallowfluff.com. How great is that? The package looks so vintage but they are up with technology. You can order this stuff straight from Durkee-Mower, Inc. It's a product still made right in the USA. That makes me feel a little better about consuming near straight corn syrup and sugar.

I made gluten free salmon berry cobbler last night but both kids fell asleep in their dinner so I saved them some and gave it to them tonight instead. I asked Robin if he liked it and he said "It was slimy, it was gooey, it was lumpy and messy so it was good!" He really liked it and asked me to go cook him more. I had to explain that we needed to wait until more berries grew to make more. He wasn't thrilled with this but agreed to go check for more in a couple of days.