Just falling from my head...

Last week it really hit me. See Wednesday is my change over day, the day we start new week of pregnancy. Last week we hit 29wks. That means 10 weeks left until due date. Now hold your hands out in front of you, fingers spread, that's right JUST THAT MANY!! Where did the time go? I'm so not ready yet. 10 wks is only the due date too, not the "safe" date Robin was born quite before his due date, nearly 4 weeks before. I get dizzy and faint when I think about it, I try not to think about it but it keeps coming back. There is so much to do. I can't currently keep up with the normal day to day stuff right now because:

1. I can't bend very well - when I do I either get stuck on the floor because the kids climb me or my indigestion gets so bad I have to stop.
2. I'm so tired I don't feel like doing much when I have a free moment anymore, mostly because I'm too uncomfortable to sleep and shortly after going to bed usually the kids pig pile on top of me, so that makes three kids sleeping on me, kicking me and head butting me at the same time.
3. Both my 3yr old and 19mo old want to be babies right now probably because they can sense change is coming and they are regressing - they want to be carried everywhere, both of them, they won't hardly even feed themselves right now and my 3yr old thinks he wants to be in diapers again rather than use the potty some days and he has been using the toilet for over a year!
4. My house is so small I don't fit anywhere - I can't fit to carry a laundry basket up the stairs, just can't make the corner and not being able to see my feet makes the stairs a little dangerous anyway. I have to shuffle sideways to get around things here now, most of the time because the floor is a mess with toys (refer to list item #1)

My point is I'm already so behind on the regular things. for instance, I worked my ass off getting all the laundry caught up. It has come to a point that I can't fit to get back to where the laundry hamper is so I can't get the clothes out to sort and wash them, also I can't carry them downstairs from the floor upstairs, where clothes get dropped off the ends of beds for me to trip on because I nearly tipped over and fell down the stairs last time I tried. I need to hold the rail and can't carry laundry at the same time. I asked for help with this but other things were always more important and it was never gotten to. It's been over a week since I have washed regular clothes. This is a real problem for me since I only have 4 pairs of pants. I went to a concert on Saturday but had to wait to have my pants washed before we could go, I really had literally nothing to wear (unless I was to see Danzig in my striped Hanna Andersson pj's) That's just one thing, how about the dishes. I have to wear an apron if I go near the sink now because I am guaranteed to get soaking wet. I'm short, no really I am. My arms don't reach too far and with a short torso my belly sticks out so far that I have a hard time even reaching into the sink to wash the dishes. It's that it really strains my back to do it. Then there is putting them away when they are washed. I want to cry sometimes because out house was designed so poorly, I can't reach to put the glasses away. I have to get on the floor to put anything in a cupboard and getting up and down is hard for anyone I'm sure. Oh and here's a kicker, Dallas can unpack the dishwasher onto the floor faster than I can get back and forth to where the dishes go. If I leave a cupboard or cabinet open and turn around for a second, he can have that unpacked onto the floor in seconds as well. The bin I had for him to play in, that was always enough for Robin bores Dallas and he's not happy unless he's actively "helping".

It's harvest season right now and we just gleaned an apple orchard and have around 1000lb of apples to make into cider and then can, then there's the salmon runs we need to can about 4 or 5 load of fish, possibly twice.

So then there's all the things still to do to get ready for a baby coming. Let me put this into a list as well.
1. Place for baby clothes - I mean a dresser, a full sized one, not a plastic tote
2. A safe place for baby to sleep - I need to order an organic co-sleeper mattress. I can't get the big kids to not sleep on me or to even stay to one side. I fear they will try to sleep on the baby if I don't put him someplace else. The kids are not doing so good at staying in their own beds all night.
3. I need to order more diapers. This alone is a $300 purchase. We know we want the Motherease onesize because we have some and love them. We would have enough diapers for both kids if Dallas could wear the fuzzi bunz but he has been getting a rash from anything synthetic so needs the cotton diapers too and with they way he poops, prefolds just can't hold it all the time.
4. I don't have a swing, bassinet or hammock to set the baby down in while I take care of the other two. - Yes I baby wear but sometimes you still have to set them down for their own safety and here the floor ain't' it. We own a large floor model swing but Doug took it out to the shed which means it's gone forever. I told him to bag up the fabric pieces first so they didn't mold and I'm near 100% sure that didn't happen because he didn't think it was necessary. Besides, there isn't room to put it anywhere in here. We had one on the table for Dallas and we might have to do that again. It's a little portable swing but it eats batteries like you've never seen and doesn't really work that well. It will have to do I guess.
5. I don't have a birth kit set up. I need to look into what I need to get and what I still have. I know I need to order new peri bottles, the kids stole all mine for bath time pouring.
6. I meant to line up a care provider but have not gotten around to it yet. I really wanted Doug to go with me but he had meetings all the time that he can't miss so for 29 wks I have been waiting for him to make an appointment he thinks he can keep. This also makes me worry about being all alone after the baby is born. He has said make the appointment and he will be there but I actually did try that once and all three of the days I gave him didn't work for him. If he can't make the prenatal appointment because they need him at work so badly, how can he possibly take off time to say home and help me with the kids?
7. Go through the baby clothes and get rid of what's ruined and put away all the stuff I have bought that is sitting in boxes waiting to be fit in the the proper sized tubs.
8. Cook a bunch more meals for the freezer so we won't starve when the baby comes and Doug is at working until late and I don't have energy to cook while not getting any sleep as I predict will be the case even more so with three kids.

A friend of mine just had her baby at 33wks. Her baby is doing great by the way, but I had not though of what to do if the baby came really early. Doug and I talked it out and at least have a plan now if that were to happen.

Can you all tell I'm very nervous and needing someone to talk to. When I try to talk to Doug about it I feel like he just blows me off. I'm sure that's not his intention and he probably doesn't mean to. He has a large list of things he feels are more important to him. I understand, it's a different perspective and his things are just as important in his eyes, they all need to get done. The difference is my things require him to help me and I can't even help him with most of his tasks either besides keeping the kids occupied. Here's the list as I know it.

1. The animals need to be set up for winter - the goats need some weather proofing and straw
2. The yard needs to be cleaned up - Doug's not home much right now during daylight and the yard is full of recycle and crap to take to the dump.
3. There's about half an acre of kids toys to be put under cover, requiring cover to be build or cleaned out.
4. The garden needs to be prepped for winter and two more green house frames need to be built before spring. I think this is on his before January list.
5. Plan the garden, pick and order seeds (this one is my job also requested to be done before January.
6. Bee hives - we need find plans for the right type, build hives and buy bees.
7. Pick house plans. He wants house plans for the expansion picked and nailed down before January for some reason.
8. Fence the property. Doug has said all he wants for Christmas is fencing. He wants to get the fence put it before Christmas and he wanted to ask my dad to help. I don't think he will. It has been my experience that he can tell you how to do something in theory but seems to get upset if you need him to help. I found this was the case when working on my car. I changed my own breaks but couldn't get the seized calipers to budge so had to ask for help and he was really irritated at the time (he did help though). The thing with the fence is it can't be done any other way but right. He built some bee hives differently then the plans said because he had help that thought it should be done a different way and the hives are now useless. I don't know who we could ask for help on this fencing but I don't think he can do it alone. (If anyone wants to volunteer please speak up)

Then there's the project I have that need attention not exactly baby related but still needing to get done before the baby comes.
1. get the toys under control - we need to pack a bunch away, sell a bunch and donate a bunch. They need to be organized. They don't get played with just thrown around if they aren't put away together. If the blocks are with the puppets the kids won't dig out the blocks from the puppets they get side tracked and throw all the puppets on the ground, and oh look blocks so they take them out and then oh look bouncy balls, so on and so on until all the toys are out, nothing is being played with and everything is mixed up, all because I couldn't put them away myself and had to let it be good enough (aka not good enough since it's the source of the messy floor)
2. There is a stack of things in the corner where the tree would go, were we to have a tree this year and as of now, it looks like we can't. Does that make it a sad christmas? Maybe so but I can't do anything about it and WILL NOT let it all get shoved elsewhere of thrown on the porch, that's a death sentence for any item as "the wind" will knock it off never to be seen again regardless of what it is or how much it means to me.
3. I'm very behind on entering receipts, have changed platforms and don't even have access to my old program and I'm not sure how to do the book keeping anymore.
4. I am quite behind on scanning to PDF all the bills and filing. I have a huge stack to do but have not yet even figured out how to get the scanner to work with this computer.
5. I need to sew lots of things. Like the maternity yoga pants I can wear for another 10 weeks. (the pattern is not for maternity I was going to alter it so it's not money lost.)
6. Put up those new shelves for the kitchen I blogged about months ago. To start requires climbing ladders and pulling stuff down from on top of the shelves. If that could be cleaned off we could transfer the shelves pretty easily.
7. When the shelves get replace, the kitchen needs to get painted actually probably before the shelves get put in. Again I can't help Doug with this, someone has to stay clean for the kids.

I feel lonely and scared, very scared but hope putting this all out will at least let me calm down enough to sleep at night rather then worry about it all. I'm sure everything will work out in the end, after all life keeps on rolling even if not how planned.