Just falling from my head...

So far today, I have not cried yet. Doug took the kids downstairs and I slept in. I'm deeply sad but oddly blank. It's as if my emotions are turned off today. I didn't try, I just woke up this way. Oh, I remember what this is called. Depression. I really want to hurt myself. I want to smoke a pack of winstons. I want to get sloppy ass drunk and mix my liquors. I want to run. Run until my legs go numb and my lungs burn. I'm thinking I'll look into one of those boot camp fitness programs, that sounds like punishment. I want to jump off the deepend but I can't really swim, maybe that's whats appealing about it.